Day Seven: Falling In Process When Dreaming, Sleep, Self-Worth, Self-Judgment

Woke up from a dream, that made me feel very convoluted inside, confused and frustrated at the confusion.  Why do I dream?  I dream because I accept and allow image manifestations around me to define who I am.  Who will I be when I am alone, in the fullest sense?  I’ve yet to find that out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotions and feelings when I sleep.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to remain aware when I sleep.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to leave the human physical body and teh Physical when I sleep.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to FALL asleep, instead of remaining aware as my human physical body rests.

I forgive myself for fearing the amount of time I would experience without stimulation when I remain aware while my physical body recuperates.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use sleep as a escape from what I need to face here as the school deadlines and my inner and outer reality that reflects the atrocity that I allowed and accepted myself to become.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that sleep must involve me leaving the reality of my body remaining still on the bed, with me laying still within and as my human physical body.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realise that my awareness during sleep is only directed to mind manifestations as thoughts emotions and feelings, and does not actually disappear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be convinced of the mind-generated dream and immerse myself within the dream.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that non-stimulation is ‘doing nothing’ and is useless.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to consider that the only actually useful thing is remaining here within and as the Physical, starting with my human physical body.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to release and self-forgive worries and problems in the moment they occur.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to escape my worries and problems with sleep, instead of facing them, and doing self-forgiveness in the moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define sleep as escaping the fucked-up creation that I allowed and accepted myself to become.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse me by leaving self-forgiveness for all thougts emotions and feelings until I go to sleep.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that my worries and problems ‘go away’ when I fall asleep, instead of realising that I am actually ‘escaping’ my worries and problem, but I can never escape from my worries and problems; my worries and problems are me, and the only way to remove them, is to release them by facing them and forgiving them as myself face to face.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see ALL of the worries and problems I allowed and accepted to exist within and as me, to forgive them in every moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be engulfed in fears worries and problems when I am sleeping, yet I do not allow and accept them to engulf me when I am awake.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the separation between awake and asleep, which develops into different rules of conduct for each state.

__________
As I brought cookies to eat for breakfast I walked past my grandmother, and then I feared her wanting one, which means I have to lose a cookie to her.  The cookies were baked by one of my friend’s mothers, knowing I liked eating them, so I unknowingly attached that idea onto the cookie.  I asked the cookie if it had such meaning: no evidence of an idea on the bumpy crust of the cookie.

I forgive myself for imposing specialness on a physical object as a cookie.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realise that all physical objects, absolute, exist in Oneness and Equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate a cookie from the rest of physical existence by fearing loss of that cookie.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that I fear losing the ‘feelings’ instilled into a cookie, by a friend’s family.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realise that the cookie is reflecting the separation I accepted and allowed as the special feeling I impose on the cookie.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the self-definition of me according to the ‘amount of positive feelings’ I ‘receive’.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realise that I actually create these specialness feelings and do not receive anything.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to live within and as the enjoyment and pleasure and self-worth the cookie represented in that moment.

I forgive myself for judging myself for fearing the loss of a cookie.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to breathe through this point in order to stand within and as that point and stop myself.

_________
While I was petting the dog, I imagined what the dog might be thinking.  My dog at least, is not affected by people looking at her, unlike people including me.  Whenever someone looks at me for a long time, I react by imagining what may be wrong with me.  The dog doesn’t do that.  Then I wondered why I could feel someone watching or looking at me, and whether the dog felt that too.  Then I realised, I created that feeling in me and projected it onto other people.  The whole world is watching me, yet I don’t feel the same way as a moving physical body watching me.  It was all make-believe.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in my imagination.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I need imagination to prepare for the future.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself ro realise that the future NEVER exists; only here exist.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to live within and as the Physical, by momentarily engrossed in imagination.

I forgive myself for not allowing and acceping myself ot realise that the Physical is all there is – I am best able to take care of my life when I am physically here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in self-judgment with the justification that other people are looking at me, therefore there must be a problem with who I am.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to be confident in who I am, standing within and as my human physical body.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to remain stable here within and as the Physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the creation of anxiety and shame with the justification that someone is looking at me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that someone looking at me = something wrong with me.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to live as I am, no acceptance and allowance of judgment, belief or opinion to affect me in any way whatsoever.

__________
My grandmother knocked on the door and proceeded to babble as she talks about an imaginary meeting and accomodation and sleep.  Knowing she would not stop until I firmly discouraged her from conversation, speaking in a ‘final/finishing’ tone, and then I shut the door and then opened it again to see her walking away.  I noticed that I shut the door out of suppressed anger.  When she continued speaking I allowed anger to compound within me, and I felt it as a ‘gripping’ heart, and a warm-hot feeling in my chest.

I forgive myself for projecting my anger onto my grandmother, when I am actually angry at myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that I will become useless if I listen to useless things.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that I am less than useless things

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that I will be affected by useless things, and become useless.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that useless and useful are ideas that do not represent the Physical in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that uselessness and usefulness do not exist in the Physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge words as spoken by my grandmother.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to live within and as my grandmother, to stand as ALL as one and equal.

I forgive myself for judging me as my grandmother, as the sum of the beliefs that she has accepted and allowed herself to become, spoken as her words.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
This entry was posted in Daily Writings 30 Days and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s