My fucking God. I have been using writing fallen moments and self-forgiveness as an excuse not to stand absolute, remaining absolutely here in breath. After falling and revealing myself the fallen moments so many times, the physical act of falling, ‘succumbing’ to my mind is all the same. ALL the same. I’ve been using the concept of ‘process’ to justify my ‘gradual’ standing up. No more. I have realised through writing and falling SO many times that I’ve been falling because of the same reasons. Fear, judgment, belief, regret, shame.
ALL of the ‘reasons’ ‘why-I’ve-fallen’ in any moment are excuses. Fear is an excuse. Judgment is an excuse. Belief, regret, shame is an excuse to not stand absolutely in every breath fucking HERE. Every moment in the physical is fucking ONE and EQUAL. HOLY FUCKING GOD when will I let myself stand absolute as the starting point of my entire expression?! I STOP fucking GIVING myself excuses to keep falling and contradicting myself. IT is unacceptable. There is no excuse for falling. I KNOW that only the breath is REAL. Why don’t I fucking let myself LIVE THAT STATEMENT?!
I forgive myself for using excuses like ‘I accepted and allowed fear, judgment and belief to possess me’ to remain on my ass, not moving myself, and not standing up for myself.
I do not fear standing up: there is no longer any excuse within me to stop me from standing up, stop the mind-fuck that I’ve defended with excuse over excuse over excuse these past few months.
I REMAIN HERE AS BREATH. NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT IS HERE. ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM FALLING TO THE MIND WHICH CANNOT EXIST WITHOUT MY PARTICIPATION. I STOP ALL PARTICIPATION IN THE MIND TO GREET MYSELF HERE, AND FINALLY SHOW MYSELF SOME RESPECT, BY PAYING ATTENTION TO HERE. HERE IS WHERE I FUCKING EXIST. NO EXCUSES. I STOP.
I realise finally that the ONLY thing that has been stopping me, was me all along. There is a HUGE difference between telling yourself that repeatedly and REAL-I-SING it. Thank you me, thank you for being honest for a change.