I accepted and allowed myself to feel extremely convoluted, and allowing and accepting myself to block me from moving myself, my attention focused completely on myself, and my attention wavered from my studies. At the time, I was not concerned about my progress in the academic field: I allowed and accepted myself to feel that it was less important than clearing the allowed and accepted convolusion in myself. I used that as an excuse to not be able to do both things at the same time. At the time, I also was facing allowed and accepted resistance towards homework assignments, and suppressed them: I did not face them to release them; I did not know that was the way to clear these points.
Each subject requires a ‘mode’ or a certain perspective to view an ‘area’ of knowledge. Being inherently with the awareness suited for maths, I did well in maths with little to no effort. However, regarding chemistry and physics and geography, I was not so ‘lucky’ – my programmed life did not include being ‘gifted’ with the awareness to tackle these subjects with ease. The point that I allowed and accepted to annoy me greatly was the point that education, all of it, was knowledge separate from me, and the socially-acceptable way to ‘learn’ this knowledge was to memorise much of it, instead of living the knowledge one and equal to oneself.
My relatively poor grades at AS Level revealed myself to still define me from my grades. But I know that is not real. What is real is what can be learned from turmoil I cycled through this past year, the turmoil that I suppressed and ran-away from instead of facing myself as this turmoil.
My ‘free time’ – time after school – was spent diligently studying and applying Desteni materials. While this has helped me establish a method to deal with my structural resonance, I did this from the starting point of ‘escaping reality’, the ‘reality’ that I was facing immense difficulty establishing the ‘correct mode’ of awareness for certain subjects. I can say that I was ‘running away from my problems, to Desteni.’ I allowed and accepted Desteni to be a ‘figure’ that I would ‘confide’ myself – similar to how a man would go to the church to repent for his sins in the small wooden box, confide in the Father there.
I forgive myself for not allowing and acepting myself to face the turmoil that I experienced here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that I ‘can escape’ from my ‘harsh reality’ by ‘confiding’ in reading and study of the Desteni materials.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that my ‘reality’ must be harsh and I cannot change it by facing myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to suppress me as the turmoil I experienced when I remained here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to continue existing as this turmoil.
I am fed up with my selfish excuses of ‘oh I held that fear as my own’ or ‘oh I judged myself.’ This is unacceptable. I am standing absolute in the Physical: I REMAIN HERE. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE IS HERE, FOR LIFE CAN ONLY EXIST HERE. Fucking yes!!!