Fuck I Fucked Up My Exams Again

At this point in my process of self-realisation, I see that thoughts, and the extensive amount of thinking I have participated in has let to only one conclusion (or self-conned illusion): that my Mind is greater than me, and that I cannot and will never be able to apparently handle the complexity and intricacy and detail that the Mind handles in every moment.

This leads to a stable foundation for a multitude of mind-fucks to take place: the most common I have found within myself is the point of rushing, chasing after something to be someone/get somewhere (ambition/desire/fear of not having), and the point of self-gratifying daydreaming, where I move myself to be apparently ‘great’ and effective in my dream.  And in that action NEVER act or stand for myself here, to actually walk the ‘path’/’practical steps’ required to be effective.

And studying for an exam tomorrow, I realise one point about self-responsibility.  If I am not willing to study effectively for a topic, or I am not willing to study a point, out of excuses and justifications that ‘it’s too much’ or ‘it’s way over my head’ or ‘it’s too complex’, what I am saying about myself is the following: I care about myself so much that I am not willing to be intimate with myself and put in the time and effort to know myself as ONE necessary part of my reality, to take care of ME!

if I fuck up my exams, I deserve it: with the opportunity that is HERE in EVERY moment (and imagine the physical quantity of moments in a day, let alone a month), I chose to be lazy out of fear of serving an authority/boss/monarchy, and instead have chosen to numb myself with entertainments of all forms, that all have the same effect: to distract me enough so I no-longer notice the fear brooding inside of me, while my entire physical reality collapses and I am left with no friends, because I was too lazy to get to know them (and instead shoved myself down their throats for all I care), and no job, because I was too lazy to develop the skills(because I apparently have more important things to do, that are more important that getting food on the table as the bare minimum).

I am the only determining factor within my experience of my world and my reality, and to procrastinate like that, being reluctant or rushing to get a point done, is me, accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself as the Physical, and neglect what I need to-do, for a feeling.  Yes, a feeling; laziness is a drug that I have become addicted-to, under the excuse that if I ever do anything useful for myself AND others, I will be apparently be a slave and serve ‘The Man’/authority (defined separate from myself) and be enslaved.

Uh…  Participating in the feeling of laziness and procrastination is enslavement, because in that act I am valuing a delusion of a mind-reality, at the cost of neglecting my physical needs which, at the moment, is becoming effective in my studies to obtain acceptable marks on my exams.

For most of this study period of about a month, I have faced the point of sheer emotional turmoil, sometimes as soon as I wake up, to-which I have waited in hope, that it would fade away somehow.  I am the resistance; if I do not move my ass and change myself to support myself to do what I need to-do in every moment, I will not stop, the resistance will not stop.  Even if it does temporarily, it is just ‘hiding’ in the background to come out more intense, more possessing than ever before until I realise that I am responsible for my resistance reactions towards myself and my world, and that if I stop this resistance, I am only stopping it for me; no-one will completely change their life upside-down just because I stopped resisting aspects of my world.  When I change for-real and completely re-define what it means to live for myself, I am doing this for myself because there is no-one else to do-it to; I am alone here with myself, facing myself within a house of mirrors that is my world and my reality in every moment.

This is one practical implication of realising that I ultimately decide how I will experience myself in my world, and therefore what I will accumulate for myself, whether it be a life of selfish hedonism, or a life that supports life and real freedom of expression, where I and people equally can speak without ever fearing other people lashing out in public or in secret.  I start with myself, I would not like another to do this to me, so I stop myself from doing this to others first.  It becomes part of the ‘core’ of my being such-that I become a living-example of the corrected point.  I accumulate events over time in-which the events speak for themselves, as I speak for myself whether ‘what I am living’ is worthwhile or not.  And people will see for themselves, whether changing the same point within themselves would be worthwhile.

Desteni is an environment created by each participant to specify, together as a group, a living-example that is best-for-all, that can and will treat everyone equally, and prove once and for-all that it is possible to live with integrity without losing our lives for it, without losing money, friends, or opportunities.  Each person is expected, by the living-example of the collective group, to be self-motivated and ONLY walk this process for oneself.  If one is here at Desteni only to gain attention to feel good, you will find that Desteni, and those that walk one and equal with Desteni, sees through the charade and will not participate.

Speaking as one participant, for me to ‘help’ another get attention and fame for a good feeling, would be to directly challenge the living-example I have accumulated myself as, that I have measured to be what is best for all, and, simply, to compromise what is best for ALL, everyone, which is unacceptable.  If I am not doing what is best for all, I am compromising someone in the world; just because I cannot see or feel it, does not mean I have not done it.

So, Desteni is never personal because we, as each participant that is participating for ourselves, do-not allow it: we stick to applying basic principles of Equality as the Equality Equation in every moment, and will not stop until this is done and arrogance and ‘know-it-all’-ism is no-more.

Investigate the Desteni message to uncover the secrets of how we perform invisible miracles for ourselves in every moment, with self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, and create visible change as proven in our blogs and our vlogs as a written record of ourselves.  IF you have gotten through to the stage of actually measuring the message’s impact on you, perform the miracle in every moment for you, because to free yourself from the hellhole-experience of competition and white-lies is best for you, therefore the first step toward doing what is best for all.


About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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