Writing out a point of temptation briefly.
With another exam tomorrow, and seeing me sit down and study, my mother is giving me ‘that look again’ of ‘good body (boy), you are somebody in my world for doing what I think needs to be done’.
She is more nervous than I am, and in the past I have mirrored her behaviour like the expert mimes we all are, until we remember our act a bit too obsessively. Last year, I would feel like I was fighting for my life, fear of death, and every mistake I made during the exams was one fatal blow to myself as an ego; I felt like *I* was being tortured and maimed of my life.
Now, a year later, and a bit more in control of myself, I see that her nervousness is due to her acceptances and allowances within herself, and has NOTHING to do with me, up to ‘what I manifest here’ in the Physical. Her emotions do-not control or dictate my emotions toward myself; I determine the entirety of my experience within myself and my world.
I stopped in that moment; I said to myself, in absolute self-certainty, “I will not go there; I know where that will lead me, another helpless situation where I am not in-fact helpless.” Relying once again on my mother’s emotional reactions will bring me to the same point of my personality finally telling me “your situation has worsened too much; give up, give into the situation and lose yourself in the situation.”
Not best for all, and in terms of the direct consequences I experience from being that sort of person to give-in, definitely not best for me. Time to trust myself and let-go of ambition to succeed, ambition to do well on each of my exams; a thought is a thought and is not the real-thing. The real-thing of ‘success in exams’ remains here, has always been here, waiting for me while other people in my world and reality have aligned themselves already with this point, just waiting here.
Remain here, don’t take bullshit resistance or temptation from the Mind, of thoughts, emotions, and feelings; silence is my guide to sanity, as the ability to flow with what is here as the sounds and the physical movement here, the ability to not interfere with reality in every moment. Stop expecting so damn much from my world and myself; I don’t even know who I really am yet, so I do-not yet know as a living experience, what I actually need.