Since breathing consistently for less than a day, getting out of the soap opera of my thoughts, I find myself wanting.
I keep visiting websites that I know will not ‘bring up anything new’, out of a habit. I go on the Internet when I absoutely have no need to, out of a habit.
This habit is part of my definition of entertainment and ‘entertaining myself’, wherein I defined ‘rest’ and ‘relaxation’ with ‘entertainment’, and I defined entertainment as these things, as I’ve repeated several times over.
It’s the belief that when I compare ‘all of this entertaining stuff’ to ‘my life’, my life is drab and plain compared to what’s being shown on television, on the news, all glamourized and ‘blown up’. For years I’ve derived a sense of upliftment entertaining myself, to balance the repressive feelings when I used to be ‘verbally beaten’ into doing work that my family believed was important.
Now that both the physical event and the memories have been forgiven, I find myself left with the ‘positive’ end of the whole system.
Self-correction: my life, whatever it is now, is only because I accepted and allowed it; this is what it means to be responsible for the entirety of my experience. My clamouring for stimulation is just me, believing that I still want, need, and desire the memories I have forgiven, to apparently ‘gain’ that uplifting feeling again to ‘balance’ the repressive strained experience I imposed on myself. I stop – I breathe. I realise that I am Here; that need/want/desire is of the past and I do-not accept or allow myself to go back to the past; I know where that will lead me. I accept and allow myself to not look back again. I accept and allow myself to continue pushing forward and perfecting points in my life, one breath at a time. I live as one moment, instead of separating myself into past-present-future and frantically rushing in my thoughts. Here I am stable, here I am constant. Here I am consistent; therefore I accept and allow myself to implement self-discipline as self-consistency, by/through living in/as this one breath.
I realise and accept that I do not require stimulation to will myself to move and direct my world and my reality and lead my life. I accept and allow myself to embrace the eternal stability of this physical reality.