Last exam today, and I am still here; the same, person I have accepted and allowed myself to-be, accumulated over years.
Today a friend, while going to the subway, asked me why I wasn’t going to the ‘exam afterparty’. Immediately there was a reaction of fear, then I replied: “Because it’s not my thing; it’s not something that I’m interested in.”
Because I realised I reacted in fear, I began to ask myself, “Was that answer just an excuse to continue pushing myself away from other people? They’re all here, I just need to be willing to be here with them, to interact and be more friends than acquaintances.”
And this self-inquiry led me to think about all of the opportunities that I had to make the same sort of choice; going along with the group, or standing by what I have assessed to be true. Like anyone in the world, I just had to be willing to play the part of ‘hot guy’ or ‘cool guy’ or ‘popular guy’, then I would be that; but something within me always felt nauseous about the idea of ‘going along with the group’ just because ‘they are the group’.
VERY early on, I realised that for some odd reason, my entire world and reality was pressuring me to ‘go along’ with the biggest group of all, society and their norms; like telling white lies like ‘I didn’t steal food from the table’ when you actually did. Small things like that. And for some odd reason, I would not ‘let myself go’, from the perspective that I was NOT willing to do something just because the whole world is doing it.
As my friends and classmates, especially my classmates, evolved – I mean matured – throughout the years, and they sought to each become winners in their own unique way, I remained somewhat in the same position I was-in, about 6 years ago.
From this observation I interpreted this event to be ‘me being left behind’ while the entire world lie (meant to type ‘lives’) on, ‘learning more things’, ‘becoming a mature person’.
So while people, mainly my classmates, I would be amazed; it’s like one day, EVERYONE starts worrying about how they look, and first it was the girls, but shortly after the boys. And here I am, just in awe of how well-synchronized this transition was.
Anyway, back to the question: What exactly of myself stopped me from ‘riding the wave’?
Self-honesty: I would not allow myself to participate in anything unless I knew what the consequences were, ‘what can of beans’ I was opening, the implications.
Yet at the same time, I fucked myself up the same, only in my case I interna-Lies-ed all my doubts and it ‘grew’ from there (lol).
Then this point came up about ‘oh I’m being left behind again’, and ‘they’re doing all the fun things while I stay at home’.
Looking at the point in self-honesty, I realised that ‘whatever they were doing’, which most likely involve alcohol (sex? lol), is whatever it is. What I am doing is what I am doing; nothing more, and definitely nothing less either because the two can’t be compared. To compare is to judge and to judge is to make a whole bullshit story out of physical events.
Quickly that led to the realisation of ‘how worthwhile’ my ‘moment-investments’ are, in writing self-forgiveness statements and all of the participation I’ve been doing at Desteni. Obviously, no one wants to live their life, then at death realise they’ve done jack shit to make this world a better place for everyone to live in. I’m the same: and when I invest my time with myself, and dig deeper into what I’ve conveniently forgotten about myself, I see how I am already ‘setting the foundation’ to support a new world, where winners and losers no-longer exist and everyone is just sharing each other’s expression.
So for me that was a very cool realisation, that I’m not ‘missing out’ on anything. I’m just willing myself to do what I’ve assessed and measured to be what is best for all.
Though, that being said, most people in my world that read this will be too obsessed about their ideas about Desteni to hear, investigate, or experiment with forgiveness, with a focus on taking responsibility for one’s own habits. Jesus did not allow himself to be crucified for us; he was crucified because of us; those that are too afraid to speak up, and those that openly participated in hatred and spite towards his unconventional living example. We are their ancestors, that also fearfully kept to those same norms passed generation after generation; time for a change, no?