I’m reaching the last exam, and while a load has been lifted from my shoulders (an energetic load), I find myself ‘regressing’ back into this state of apathy, waiting wishing hoping for others to sort out my shit.
An example of this irresponsible behaviour would be when I heard someone remark that ‘this last exam will be super difficult’, and this person is effective in studying and revision. I interpreted that statement as ‘this last exam will be difficult for me’ from the perspective that ‘it will always be difficult’ while ‘I will never be good-enough to handle it’.
Time and time again I have proven to myself that academic material is just a progression, and that ‘higher level’ material just means a ‘lengther’ progression from ‘big’ ideas to smaller details.
So there’s an aspect of nervousness I was accepting and allowing, after hearing someone ‘of that caliber’, so to speak, saying it will be difficult.
In this I am trusting another person’s words blindly, without ever considering them in the context that I have realised within myself, thus I am deceiving myself; I allowed myself to deceive me, because obviously this person knows that it will not be THAT difficult that he can or will never accomplish it.
The point I am clarifying for myself is the point of trusting myself: just because another person has developed themselves to perfection in one point does not mean that they are suddenly ‘more than’ or ‘superior’, and it definitely doesn’t mean that I have to ‘stoop down’ and be ‘inferior’ to him/her. Self-trust is within seeing for myself and acting on my own insights to the context of my own actions, NOT nervously waiting for someone to make that decision for me.
Every moment that is here requires my attention; not the delusional idea that someone will make all of the decisions for me and ‘what I am supposed to do’. Nothing determines my experience in my world except for myself, as what I direct, what I do not direct and ‘let it slide’.