Writing to clarify a few points in relation to this polarity construct.
I have a friend that enjoys ‘spontaneous adventuring’, where nothing is planned or investigated at all; a sort-of ‘discover as you go’ approach to tourism.
From what I am seeing currently, this is haphazard in a few ways; first, time is not spent effectively and often wasted in transportation times, and one will not see as many ‘attractions’ as one could have if one planned for-it.
A sort-of counter-argument to this is that it is not so-much the place, or the number of destinations that matter but rather the kind-of-people that one does it with, and one’s attitude to/towards the entire event as it unfolds seemingly ‘spontaneously’. I place spontaneity in quotes because I see that with every step or turn or thought that one has, it already determines the entire ‘what happens’ in the trip, so in a way, the experience one will have has already been decided in the beginning, just like ‘how’ one’s financial success is determined before one even begins work; it is all in the ‘fine’ details of ‘how’ one approaches new, somewhat foreign experiences and the extent of focus one places onto it.
I have built up myself as a personality that ‘absolutely’ fears the unknown, especially the sort of unknown that my friend absolutely enjoys; like and dislike implies ego, and any ego is unacceptable, even the brand of ‘cynicism’ that I have harboured for years.
‘How’ do I make myself compelled to fear ‘unplanned’ adventures? The fear has compounded to a physical possession where my eyes would tense immensely and my thoughts would race about ‘how right I apparently am’ about disliking unplanned adventures in general.
From childhood, just about everything that my mom imposed on me, activities especially, I interpreted as something just ‘happening’ to-me, like an unknown entity that constantly ‘makes itself known’ and dictates ‘who I am’. The fear stems from a memory of constantly going into unknown/new activities, making a mis-take or breaking a rule that I was completely unaware-of, then facing the unpleasant consequences of my mother, once again, in raging fury scold-me.
No-one enjoys being scolded and told-off, and I happen to be one person that took this absolutely personally; to the extent that now, I sometimes catch myself thinking if there’s something ‘wrong’ with-me.
Being in that time-loop for awhile, I noticed that I was being reprimanded for things that, if I knew before, I could have avoided. Then from there, a obsessive want/need/desire to ‘know something’ before doing-it was ‘born’, so to speak, from my backchat observations of my world and my reality.
So when I am fearing ‘spontaneous adventures’, what I am experiencing is that live memory moment that I have not yet forgiven myself-for, therefore still exist within/as me. The live memory moment is the repeated structure of an experience where the following happens:
1. I get placed into an unknown/new experience or activity,
2. I make a mistake,
3. I get scolded for making the mistake, and I react to the scolding in fear and horror because I constantly tell myself, “This is not what I want, this is bad”
4. I make an observation that I made the mistake because of ‘something’ (a rule, a piece of knowledge/information) that I did not consider before
5. I make a self-judgment of ‘You are stupid, Kasper, for not knowing this before making the mistake and getting consequences that you do not want. You must know before you act, or you will likely face the same unpleasantness all over again.’ That unpleasantness comes from me, reacting to another person’s negative reaction, with ‘what I have just written in this step’.
Going back to the memory, I reached a stage where I did not want to experience this again, and so I began feeling like my entire life was being controlled by my mother’s fingertips, and with one wave of her hand she may ‘cast’-me into that hellhole of an experience again. Some would react to this in anger; I reacted in more fear, and I secluded myself even more, victimizing myself in my thoughts further and disempowering myself, at the cost of empowering things that I could not reach, like ideals that I place far-away in-front of me = separation.
So in when I am facing myself as an unknown/new experience, I am also facing a point of nervousness, where I trust this idea of ‘knowledge that will save me from harsh consequences’ more than myself to ‘get me through’ the unknown experience with my self-esteem and self-confidence unscathed.