Yesterday, I said ‘yes’ to thoughts, and fulfilling the delusion that is energy. Here, today, I am facing the consequences of indulging in such affairs, and facing myself as the ‘honest’ want/need/desire to satisfy my thoughts.
At the time, I swept myself away with the energy or desire, fearing that ‘I will not have it (happiness/bliss)’ unless/until I satisfy this bottomless desire for thinking.
So, here I am, facing this time-loop of ‘regretting/feeling shame’ because I have perceived myself to be participating in an abomination that is abuse, that is self-interest as the living statement that ‘I am special’ and ‘I must be more than others in unique/special ways’.
I have lost count the number of times I have faced this point of regret/guilt/shame, and my physical addiction to that preprogramming, of committing a sin then regretting it, proves one thing: that I am participating in these feelings to satisfy yet another egotistical urge, and not to actually move and direct myself to change for-real.
I shouldn’t even have to say ‘for-real’ at the end of ‘direct myself to change’; change is change, and what I have done (for countless times again) is delude myself into an idea that ‘I am changed’, then to realise in physical living reality that I have not changed one bit.
So I am here with myself to uncover and expose more excuses/justifications that I’ve layered as a ‘foundation’ for me, actually feeling compelled to think. On a mental level, I understand that if I participate in a thought, I am supporting the entirety of how this world exists currently; with wars conducted in far-off, foreign lands while the real war is here, within/as ourselves.
What I have realised this time, indulging in the vampiric nature of thoughts, is that my mental understandings will not stand, when it REALLY matters. At those ‘breaking-points’ of self-change, whatever mental understandings I had, disappear without a trace and I am left here with myself, as the knowledge I am actually living.
So there’s a lesson here for me: agreeing and understanding a few lines of sentences is not enough, and not valid within the context of creating myself to be trustworthy. I have to live it.
BUT (lol – fear here) how do I live understandings? This was a question that I struggled to find answers-to, for a few weeks before. The struggling was counterproductive; I just used the question, which was really a self-doubting, to generate stress and strain and a ‘loser’s experience’ within/as myself, and that is irrelevant to the matter-at-hand I am dealing-with.
As Bernard has suggested: “Everything else that ‘takes’ one’s ‘attention-away’ from this ‘Matter’ = is ‘Deliberate Deception’. One should ‘treat-it’ as-‘such’. ‘Focused’ on a ‘Solution’, in-‘Matter’, about ‘things’ that ‘Matter’, to ‘all Parts of Life’, ‘Every Being’, ‘Here’.”
Sometimes I get lucky and just get everything right, everything goes smoothly and I am walking in humbleness, until I realise the first mistake that I have always been making, so to speak: a monster of judgment, that is myself, emerges and I would ‘eat’ myself from the inside out with regret, guilt, shame and stress and strain and haste.
So that experience just proves to me, that I have not yet realised the common-sense of ‘working with what is here’ in every moment; because even if I happen-to walk humbly, if I can only do that in my own room, that’s pretty useless. I will meet new people, I will be in situations I have never been-in, and change is the only certainty.
Another point that got exposed, within this fall, is that I have never really understood and applied the Equality Equation: I require investigating that again and formulate it into living statements of self-forgiveness and self-correction. That could be another topic in itself = the Equality Equation.