Finally I realise something about the inner conflict and turmoil I have been generating inside myself, especially before I sleep and wake up.
It’s the pursuit of happiness, projected into forms of security, intelligence, picture-perfect outcomes. This is self-dishonesty; how do I expect myself to recognize happiness in things/outcomes/events/people separate from myself, when I have not even recognized the happiness inherent in being myself? Because when I feel happy, those things don’t make me happy = I am the source that generates the actual happy feeling, and even that feeling is temporary by nature.
To me it’s like a sugar high; in one moment you feel like the top of the world, then somewhere in between the feeling is gone. Then reality-worries come back as ourselves, here to harass ourselves again, such as how much money I might make, how I might survive in this world. From that moment, I began pursuing this happy feeling. I would constantly tell myself that I woudl have to give up parts of my experience to be happy, and so I would and begin ‘dispersing’ myself, in which I place trust outside of myself onto these people/events/objects/outcomes to make me happy.
How is this self-dishonesty?
I began my life with nothing but the moment I was here within/as breath. And with no excuse to, I trusted myself unconditionally. To suddenly disown my self-trust, to abdicate a part of my experience to something/someone else is self-dishonesty when Self is here within/as breath. Why suddenly decide to ‘disperse’ my trust, when I have always trusted myself, and it is WHO I AM that determines my experience and my circumstances in my world and my reality?
I distinctly remember a myth that my mom shared with me when I was younger, and it is that we cannot live in this reality without the help of other people. Otherwise, the process of living will be extremely difficult and painful. I used this piece of knowledge/information as an excuse to begin waiting, hoping, and praying that these other people will hurry up and come help me. Result: I stop helping/assisting/supporting myself to wait/hope/pray that someone will help me.
Example: for about 2 years, I have been focused on searching for some way to make myself effective in doing homework and assignments; not one that entails punishment or manipulation through fear or forcing a point. I realised one thing: I cannot force myself to do something that I fervently do not want to do. Therefore if I am to live something with consistency = I must be able to do it with full understanding, of myself and the context and the nature of the interactions in between.
Without even realising it until recently = I was hoping/praying/trusting/waiting for others to help me in this personal project. First it was smart people in my school, then my teachers, to which they were of no practical assistance; they mostly tried to force me with fear (terrorism of sorts).
From their point of view = I was a person looking for something/someone to hold responsible for something that I am actually responsible for. Obviously – as I would do the same – I would not place myself in harm’s way by/through making myself a slave to him, by/through doing work that he is supposed to be doing for himself. So while teamwork is essential to complete many projects in this world, the foundation of that teamwork, in life and in work, starts with taking responsibility for ourselves as human beings.
I mean that practically translates into the following: I am responsible for my emotional conflicts, not other things/people. I am responsible for my skill in every task, not teachers or other people/things/objects/books. I am responsible for how insecure I feel when I am in public. If you have the courage, feel free to write a list of your daily internal experiences, and then realise; you are responsible for those things because you accepted and allowed your life to stay/remain that way. It takes courage to stop hiding behind our judgments of ourselves and others, to realise and live our responsibility to and for ourselves.
So coming back to the pursuit of happiness, my responsibility to myself is to stop abdicating my self-responsibility to outside activities/people/things/events/pictures/feelings, and realise that I am responsible for my experience, including whether I am happy/comfortable with and trusting of myself.
The point of realisation here is: I cannot live something with consistency until I am self-honest with myself; until I know who I am, and how I am fitting myself into/as the world system as myself. No one else is more responsible for my life than myself, and what I do to assist and support myself in every moment. No one will help me or save me until I begin actively helping and saving myself. And all I ever had to save myself – or fuck myself – is within/as every moment of breath, when I live and apply myself in every single breath; this is the only certainty, the only guarantee I can give to myself, as a reality-based reason for ‘why’ I can trust myself = I can guarantee to myself what I will do and live in each breath. To trust anything more is to trust uncertain things; how do I prove to myself that I will do homework 5 minutes later?
Self-trust, manifesting ourselves as a living-example of a trustworthy person, begins with being able to trust ourselves to enact our will in every single breath. The ‘greater’ or more uncertain forms of self-trust – trusting oneself to complete a project by a certain date – begins and ends with self-trust lived and applied in one moment of breath.