I’m fed up with hiding myself until I become effective; I’m just going to share and this blog will be a timeline of my failures and successes; either of which entirely depend on my dedication to myself to live. Enjoy.
Writing out a point I have hidden and suppressed for a long time: the general experience of my childhood from a child of 6 years old to about 12 years old.
I will describe then open up the events from the beginning: the first event that I remember is the extreme point where after some period of time, following everything my mother advised me to do in unconditional trust, one day on the way to another extra-curricular activity I stopped; I just stopped walking slightly behind my mom and stopped there. I was angry, frustrated, and I had enough of inflicting more and more internal conflict within me, to which I told my mom in an absolute, commanding tone: “I don’t want to do this ANYMORE. WHAT is the POINT? WHAT is the PURPOSE of doing all of this?!”
Then my mom said, “If you’re not going to do what I command you to do, what are you going to do with your life then?!” After asking myself that question with no idea what I was going to do, I pulled my awareness back to the Mind and began thinking about this point, and this has been the question that has been tormenting me up until now, and still does to some currently unknown extent.
The next memory is the attempted self-expression and outreach with other human beings, especially members of my family, to which they all remained silent, unresponsive, or simply walked away from me. The longer this happened, the more I was convinced that I was alone, and that no real communication or relationships exists. In time I developed a self-perception of myself where I pictured myself as a deserted island, and no one would come to share their expression with me, and I would have no chance to share my expression with anyone.
This further developed into the interpretation that my family is a coldy-run business, where I was simply a product – not a human being – being designed to be ‘ready-made to be used as a spare part’ in the clunky mechanism of the world system; you know, when the currently functioning parts age with time and are no longer optimal – that’s where I come in.
In believing in this small handful of perceptions, I was forced to find SOME way to comfort myself. So what I did was separate self-enjoyment and ‘dispersed’ these experiences into several activities that I was already participating in. According to how much I enjoyed myself in the past, I chose the activities that I participated in before where I was most happy. Those activities were watching television, playing video games with my sister, badminton.
Eventually the range of activities grew into watching lewd videos (porn), how I look, sports, fantasizing about romantic relationships, riding a bicycle, sleeping in to delay starting a day, eating, daydreaming to fulfill the desire to be superior and quell the fear of being inferior, observing and categorizing people, each for various reasons. Sometimes I decided to label an activity as enjoyable because I saw how others appeared to be absolutely enjoying themselves in participating in that activity, sometimes it was because of a memory of how much I enjoyed myself while doing the activity, sometimes it was because my ‘type of personality’ or gender was supposed to enjoy those ‘kinds’ of things.
For whatever reason I separated parts of myself as self-enjoyment to these activites, it was always done in the observation of others, and with little practical understanding seeing myself possibly enjoying myself like that other person, and in seeing myself lacking that enjoyment = wanting to enjoy myself and thus deciding to participate in that activity in that exact specific way. In that way I was copying the people around me: personality traits that I thought would give myself some sense of satisfaction, attitudes towards specific topics/activities/subjects such as sex and relationships.
Because I just did not understand the practical functioning of how people are getting themselves to smile in-relation to this stuff, I practised placing hope in my blind participation: hope that somehow, once I participate in this fully I will finally get to enjoy myself. As time moved forward and I held myself back I began saying “to finally enjoy myself back then”.
With the interplay between separating myself into various activities, and hoping that participating like others will let me live self-enjoyment and self-contentment again = the more I participated the more everything had gotten WORSE. I was beginning to deteriorate from the perspective of adapting to the environment to do what needed to be done. The more I hoped other people’s preferences would allow me to enjoy myself again – and the more times that pattern failed = the less trusting and open I was with other people, eventually developing into an introverted and silent personality; I did not know what else other people would do to me, and I perceived others to be doing this to me because I did not see my self-responsibility within it.
Within/as that perception, with a perceived lack of opportunity to stop the pattern of living to ‘save’ myself = I grew amazingly pessimistic and cynical to/towards everything in my world, and that eventually applied to myself as well.
From there, I had enough excuses to step away from ‘hopeful person’ to depression. At this point all I saw was myself as the Mind, as the self-depraving thoughts, emotions, and feelings. Even the postive emotions/feelings were depraving because they would last one moment then vanish, making my initial tormentuous experience seem even more painful. The more pain I inflicted on myself through participating in positivity = the more cynical and depressed I became.
This post is far from complete; this is just a description of the points that became obvious while deleting layers of beliefs through applying and living a process of self-forgiveness and self-honesty. For this point to be complete, I would require applying those tools respectively: the how-to is briefly outlined in several interviews here and here. What I’ve found is that one cannot understand self-forgiveness until one participates in it from the starting-point of actually wanting to let-go of internal conflict to be able to function more effectively in our daily living.