Investigating the relationship I have accepted and allowed between people and interacting with people.
At the moment I prefer to be alone and away from people because of the many negative memories I have attached to my interactions with people. The memories as past moments themselves are not creating the negative experience: I am. These memories are all of the smallest moments where I realised that another person had said something, which triggered a reaction of fear within/as me, and to which I did exactly what the person suggested. Or, past moments where a person had complimented me and I was drunk on the positive feeling, to which I did exactly what the person suggested. In both points, I would realise that I invested my labour in such a way that the other person benefitted from my labour, and I did not see how I was benefitting from my own labour.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbour a preference of being alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for what I experience when I am with others.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that others are simply reflecting what I have accepted and allowed to do unto myself, so if I ever participate in fear of others = I am actually fearing myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I can enjoy being with others because I may equally realise and accept that I am responsible for any experience that I create in relation to other people, because other people are just reflecting back to me my own habits and patterns I have created from a starting point of separation.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have been giving up on myself by/through allowing a back door excuse to not hold myself responsible when I react to/towards others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain uncomfortable within/as fear when interacting with other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear interacting with other people.
I would only focus on what I was giving to another when I asked myself what I was doing for myself, and that bred jealousy against myself. I interpreted myself to be depriving myself of my own labour in that moment, to give to another person only to see that he/she was complimented and I was not. I misplaced value in compliments so I perceived my own labour to be ‘funnelled’ to assisting and supporting another person and deserting myself.
So that is the primary feeling that I used to justify my current relationship with people in general. In terms of my actual participation, what is my current accepted and allowed relationship?
I meet and greet people with the greatest kindness I can think of to ease my own fear of them being nasty and spiteful towards me. When I meet new people, the first detail I give attention to is the potential for that human being to harm me if I got involved with him/her, so essentially I see all strangers as potential threats to my very existence; what if they take advantage of me like last time? And that single moment – that has already been done and past – from then on defined every moment that I participated with another human being.
Every moment I am within a public space, I interpret my environment to be countless potential threats to my way of ‘life’. And what is the ‘life’ that I am defending? Daily, watching videos and researching famous people that I am interested in, playing video games, and doing everything to forbid myself from participating in a single moment of work, where I have defined work as the competitive task of studying, getting and working a job in competition with all other employees, being 100% consistent and stable in my work output so that I do not get fired from my job.
In a public space consisting of people, I see each interaction with each person as a risk and a hazard. I picture myself throwing myself into foreign planet after foreign planet, each with a totally different set of rules that if I do not follow = this person will not like me and do everything in his/her power to make my experience a living hell. Ironic because within/as participating in my world with fear, I am already creating myself to exist within a hellhole experience.
Yet who I am is participation – the moment I am here with someone or in a public space = I am automatically an equal participant participating in the public space, where my every move is registered and fed into blackbox machinery as human beings and each gives a different reaction or no reaction at all. So the only place that is ‘safe’ from this fuzzy logic is alone, so for months I have been keeping to myself within/as my room, only going out to buy groceries every few weeks because I have to, to continue “my way of living”.
So to me I am like a garden hose that is always pumping water, and public spaces and other people are like buckets with holes – my contribution as the water always leaks out and I feel I am diminished because of it = so I do not place myself as the water hose into that bucket. The only bucket that I perceive to be sound and sturdy is the bucket of being alone, or only being with inanimate objects because they cannot harm you, and even if they do it is only because I harmed myself – and seeing this, I never blame the wall for being here when I bump into it – I always realise that the pain is here because I placed myself there.
What are the consequences of literally isolating myself from most human interactions?
As one human being that is not living what is best for all in EVERY moment, I accept and allow that which is best for all to remain as if it were ever valid and acceptable. I severely limit my opportunities to face myself as the dysfunctional parts of myself, which if ever exposed are clearly NOT what is best for all, and if ever exposed I would have NO excuse to continue. So in terms of walking my process, it is like driving a car, wanting to drive to the store a few blocks away, and putting on the hand brakes and attempting to accelerate. In attempting to accelerate as push myself in my process, I am completely oblivious to the hand brakes and give up, creating the belief that I tried everything and nothing has worked – I will stop wasting my time and not go to the store altogether. Yet if I just stopped trying to compete with other cars to get to the store first, if I stopped delving into the imagined scenario of me walking in the store and considered myself – such as how I put on the hand brakes before accelerating, then difficulty would not exist to accelerate and drive the car to the store/walk my process of self honesty and self forgiveness.
In terms of walking my process, I am like putting the brakes on my process by not participating in my world because this world, every single detail are mirrors in which to see and realise my actual accepted and allowed nature, to work with myself in realignment to what is best for all.
Financially speaking, I will be/become a hobo – plain and simple – if I continue this belief system and consider living this until I die. At the moment I am the ONLY point that is forbidding me from getting a parttime job, the ONLY point that is forbidding me from consistently studying and developing my ability to essentially listen and read – since learning at school is almost always about doing what has already been done as learning material. I recognize that I am in an extremely fortunate position to be able to even have the time to create such self compromising bullshit and then to deconstruct it as myself, within the most stable and secure environment.
At the moment – financially speaking – I am squandering countless opportunities to guarantee my own survival in the system, let alone consider and support others as myself. If I physically allow myself to starve to death = 0% chance to do what is best for all. And totally unnecessary because learning is learning, doing what needs to be done is doing what needs to be done. There is no expectation or want/need/desire that will change anything about what needs to be done. I will need to get at least 70% for every single one of my subjects, I will need to get a job immediately after that.
So what is the solution to the compromising situation I am placing myself in, with every moment that I put off committing several hours to studying, blogging, and other actual physical responsibilities?
Stop compromising myself. Stop putting off work and just do it, realising that I have already informed myself of the general nature of consequences from studying in writing. The writing is only a preparation for the actual walking: the actual walking is realising and stopping the thoughts I am participating in, to live the decision to do what needs to be done. When that is studying maths for example, the resistance I have at any point of studying maths is not because of the maths; it is because of my reactions to/towards the idea I have created about the task at hand. Various themes are related to studying, and the relevant ones I will know because those are the exact specific subject of my thoughts about what is here.