Day Two: Work

Every time I work for several hours or longer, I have an immediate reaction that I ‘need’ to rest – and invariably, this break becomes as long as the time that I worked, if not longer.  Not only that, throughout the break I am getting more tired, frustrated, depressed, and driven by desire than ever before.  I get much more stressed when I take a break.

It always starts with an observation: “Hey I am actually diligently walking what needs to be done.” Then a negative reaction is activated and I immediately suppress by putting on a serious face and getting back to work.  The reaction is of extreme anger, out of the excuse of a memory where I used work as a means to express my anger at myself for victimizing myself in the situation I perceived myself to be in.  As a child, I thought that I was being specifically constrained by my mother in terms of what I can do and what I cannot do, and that I could only do what I wanted when I was an adult – and that was many years later.  At a young age I already realised that there were certain things that I HAD to do, that if I didn’t I would see hell brought down by my parents.  So from then on, work was no longer simply a living word; work became a means to hide and suppress the utmost fear I had of my parents chastizing me unless I did what I was told, including work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger if/when I see myself committed to doing work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that when I am doing work, I must be thinking and hoping for the next time to relax because work apparently has to be stressful.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realise that I was utilising this belief to hide and run away from what I was actually doing to myself: I was working out of fear of my parents shouting at me if I refused to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for the fearful experience I put myself through whenever I worked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am in a constricting situation if/when I work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide and run away from the fear that I alone had created in relation to work by/through accepting and allowing myself to participate in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the consequences I had accumulated for myself only because I did not allow myself to work consistently and constructively and add an additional layer of anger directed to/towards myself for placing myself in a compromising position where I cannot even fully trust myself to work for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide and run away from my own fear of death by/through participating in the want/need/desire to do well through working the hardest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire doing well through working the hardest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define work according to competition and competing against others such that I am working the hardest and therefore in my own eyes, being a good person and winning the most definitively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that to motivate me to do anything, I must want/need/desire to do it; I require the feeling of want/need/desire to get myself ‘pumped up’ to complete a task, especially a task that I judge to be greater than me like working.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I do not require any motivation defined separate from me to do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise the simplicity that to do what needs to be done = I just do it, until it is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately give up on myself when I work for a period of time, only to realise that I have created resistance to/towards working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away from the internal conflict as who I am when working consistently by/through stopping work and activating a need/want/desire to entertain myself to ‘unwind’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have been running away from the conflict that I had created within/as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away from facing myself bluntly with no escape/excuses out of fear of being vulnerable and apparently weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable/open with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to be apparently weak when I am open and vulnerable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that strength, in the context of working with myself to actually change, is to listen to myself with no judgment of what I see/realise as what I have accepted and allowed to dictate my actions.

Wikipedia: U is the twenty-first letter in the ISO basic Latin alphabet and a vowel in the English alphabet.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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