Day Four: Procrastinating at Work

Procrastination: after stopping this pattern about work, another layer of excuses was exposed.

In realising how much I can actually do in one breath, I felt like time slowed down exponentially. From this observation I triggered a negative reaction within/as me, and from working within/as stability I became restless and unsure of what to do. The question kept on coming up, “Am I REALLY going to work like this for entire DAYS?”

The internal friction compounded to a point that I was compulsively wanting to entertaining myself to escape the negative experience, instead of doing work. There was a ‘hidden’ expectation within/as me that since I have defined work to be doing something to produce an actually useful consequence/results, I was pushing myself to work nonstop.

Procrastination and hardworkingness are two sides of the same coin: just like good and bad, I have to exist within/as procrastination to find myself hardworking and the other way around. So to stop procrastination and laziness, I have to face the entire mind construct, starting with the polarity equation I have designed and constructed between these two words.

How have I defined procrastination and work in terms of what I have lived when I said these words?

Work: When I do something in utmost fear for my life, picturing/imagining myself in a cubicle with another person as a boss – only that stifling boss is me too because I am the only one existing in my own imagination. Not wanting to work but working anyway out of fear of survival. When my work is automatically justified to be ‘funnelled’ into another person, such that I as my work is always robbed of its value/credit from my boss always taking credit for my work.

Procrastination: When I do anything and everything but the tasks that my mother labelled as work when I was a child, where work was defined as studying for exams and reading books. When I judge myself and constantly ask myself ‘why’ I am not doing what I expect myself to be doing as work. When I am depressed and had given up on myself temporarily, only to see more opportunity to apply self judgment on myself for not doing something positive/work. Feeling regret/guilt/shame for the past moments where I had not done work, usually when facing a real deadline and realising that I had not prepared myself as was clearly necessary from the beginning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work according to fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work from the starting point/motivation of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed about a past moment of how apparently painful working was, every moment that I work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a past moment to define who I am here in this moment of self application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself by/through living in the past, when what I require to see, live and apply is in consideration of what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that work is always related to a boss-employee relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect thoughts about how I will win/lose the most when directing myself to work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that I am working when I have thoughts about work, such as how I imagine myself to win after working enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that me, having thoughts about the innumerable variations on how I will win/lose, is right and that I am apparently doing what is right because this is what I have defined work to be, and I have defined work to be positive without actually being aware of the consequences of what I accept and allow within/as the word ‘work’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to work from the starting point of wanting to be right/righteous, or somehow better than or superior to others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise what it means to work without defining myself as my inner experience according to fear and fear of lack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work according to fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what will happen if I do not work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being taken advantage of, especially involving tasks that I have fully committed myself to completing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that my full commitment to myself, in the practical expression of work, can be taken away or slandered by people that I judge to be ‘more than’ me as bosses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work as comparing my work to another’s work, and judging my own effort to be apparently inferior.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that there is no comparison for my own effort to dedicate and commit myself to myself as an individual, that manifests consequences that affects everyone eventually, because only I am capable of walking the trail of self discovery and self responsibility for myself alone.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that my own effort to remain dedicated and committed to myself is in fact precious because if I do not do this, walk through the process of making mistakes and standing as the lesson learnt from each mistake, no one can do this for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up before I have even started to walk the actual process of self change, out of fear of how others may spite me if I make a mistake.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that I am caring about what others think about me because I only react when I think about others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other spiting me if I make a mistake.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I fear myself spiting myself, and am using the fear of other people as an excuse to hide and run away from ‘facing myself in full acceptance that there is no choice but to face myself’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I fear other people judging me because I realise that I am judging myself and I also realise that if I were to admit this to myself, I would have no choice but to stop and change; I would realise and have no choice but to take responsibility for what I have become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work from the starting point of fear of survival as the phrase, ‘I work to make money to survive in this world’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I want/need/desire to work to make money because I fear the imaginary moment when I have no money and the physical consequences of having no money in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that if I fear having no money, that this fear will become valid motivation to force myself to work; fear of money will apparently keep me alive.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that fear does not keep me alive; the actions that I take to do what needs to be done in every moment – accumulating from hours to days to weeks – is what is keeping me alive.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I am making myself blind to what actually needs to be done to make money if/when I participate in fear of money.

When I am not participating fully in the task at hand, and find myself tempted to delve into my thoughts, I stop – I breathe. I realise and accept that if I actually trusted myself as what I accumulate daily in participation, I would not resort to participating in thoughts/emotions/feelings. I realise and accept that if I was confident that my starting point and my current participation in the task at hand was best for all, I would not feel any need to participate in any thought/emotion/feeling. I accept and allow myself to participate in that which matters, represented by the task at hand. I do not accept or allow myself to participate in thoughts/emotions/feelings. I accept and allow myself to create myself as my actions and starting point to be what is best for all, and therefore create myself to be worthy of absolute self trust. I accept and allow myself to face myself in every moment, as the consequences of my actions and my starting point to stop and direct myself to live that which is best for all accordingly. I do not accept or allow myself to ignore the consequences of my actions and my starting point out of the excuse/justification of thoughts/emotions/feelings. I realise and accept that I am living blind when I do not allow myself to face the consequences of EVERY action that I participate in. I accept and allow myself to live with my eyes open, by/through facing the consequences of EVERY moment of participation with the tools of self honesty, self forgiveness, and self corrective action. I do not accept or allow myself to blind myself out of fear of facing myself.

I commit myself to practically define the word ‘work’ in a way that is best for all.

I commit myself to dare to challenge every moment where I see myself arguing for my own limitation with thoughts.

I commit myself to practically investigate and identify common sense solutions for the limitations I have imposed on myself.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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