Day 10: Fidgety At Work

Fidgeting has been a problem that has been happening when I sit myself down to do work. It is amazing: when I am not doing work, sometimes I don’t know what to do or what to do with myself. But when I am doing work, I always find something to do other than work.

So far, I see this as a symptom of fearing work, such that I motivate myself to bury myself in the details. Sometimes I would find details in the work itself, and from there think myself into another task totally irrelevant to the task at hand. As a consequence I tend to be unfocused, therefore unproductive, therefore unsatisfied with the progress I accumulate daily; it is because no matter how much I try to run or hide, I realise that I am the only point stopping me from committing myself fully to the task at hand. Everything and everyone else are just excuses to continue the same habit; I require realising that I am the problem I am facing, simply because I have created it starting with fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to fidget every time I commit a moment to do work that I judge to be obviously worthwhile, important, and necessary for supporting myself in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to run away from the obvious fact that I fidget to avoid being alone with work; facing every single consequence that I accumulate within/as the task at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone with that which I fear, such as working on skills that are clearly useful and necessary to support myself effectively in the world: such as time management, technical skills, and people skills.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold and hide an expectation that I impose on myself when I face tasks/skills/change that I realise to be best for all if I committed myself to them; the expectation that I must be/become perfect at applying that skill by some deadline in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am facing myself when I face the past, present, and future of myself in my Mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I am not facing myself when I participate in the past, present, and future by/through thinking about it, because thinking is always designed to do/be ‘more’, such that I do not allow myself to see the obvious as what I can do in this moment to complete the task at hand in front of me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the daily task is to stop the Mind and birth myself within/as the Physical, by/through each moment’s accumulation of applying common sense and of shifting from thinking to practical doing/living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that practical doing/living requires pausing/hesitating/doubting at certain moments to “think things through” before I face and accumulate the manifested consequences of participating in a certain specific action.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the practical consideration and lessons that expand my self responsibility are in fact within/as actually doing something and seeing what happens as the manifested consequences that have always been here as part of myself as a polarity mind construct, between ‘who I am when not doing the action’ and ‘who I am when doing the action’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore and suppress the moments when I am unfocused, out of the excuse/justification that I have more important things to be doing than taking care of my immediate participation that is the one point where I can make a difference to myself, or fuck myself over by repeating the same shit over and over again.

When I am obsessing over details such that I am compromising my response-ability to walk the task at hand, I stop – I breathe. I do not accept or allow myself to stick my head in the mud and obsess over details to hide from who I am within/as the task at hand. I do not accept or allow myself to deliberately sabotage/separate myself from who I am as the consequences of my participation: I do not accept or allow myself to support or continue participating in creating a mask/persona of myself that immerses himself in details to avoid facing the task at hand. I accept and allow myself to take care of the details relevant to the task at hand, always from the starting point of realising what else can I do to support myself to walk and complete the task at hand. I do not accept or allow myself to ignore what I have made relevant as the task at hand, when I pay attention to details that are obviously irrelevant to supporting myself to walk and complete the task at hand. I accept and allow myself to align my attention to detail to the task at hand so that every moment invested into the details always accumulates consequences that support me within the task at hand, and therefore support me in every moment of living.

I commit myself to constantly and continuously face the consequences of the actions I participate in in every moment because I realise and accept that facing my own deeds is an act of self awareness, and I do not stop being self aware to rest or take a break. It is in reverse: I am most restful when I remain here, self aware, instead of constantly thinking up there somewhere in my head, participating in judgments, opinions, and/or memories about anything and everything of my world.

I commit myself to establish a process of bringing myself back into/as the Physical – that is immediately walked, moment by moment – starting with bringing myself back into interacting with my human body because I realise and accept that participating in the Mind has resulted in me being obsessed/transfixed on the knowledge/information that I am interacting with my human body, instead of actually participating within/as my human body, with proof as every moment that I am aware of this interaction as living the words I speak, such as the statement that I am breathing.

I commit myself to a process of no longer deceiving myself or others when I speak words that I do not live; I commit myself to a process of being once again honest with myself and others by/through only speaking words that I am living, and only speaking/giving to others that which I would like to receive. I do not accept or allow myself to speak words that I am living, that are clearly not what is best for all. I accept and allow myself to remain silent and only speak to others that which is best for all within/as only those words that I am already living as an example, that I may reveal/expose without regret/guilt/shame that is present when I speak words I do not live. I accept and allow myself to give myself some stability and peace in my life and my living by/through commiting myself to a process of self honesty and self forgiveness so that I never need to be regretful of what I have done ever again because I give myself every moment to accumulate consequences that is the best for all Life.

I commit myself to stop torturing myself with lying/deceiving, only to constantly face other beings involved in the consequences of my lies and not being able to explain myself because in that moment of another person asking what I had done, I realise that I did something unacceptable by all accounts, and that I have never had a real excuse to lie to another or to myself; I could have, in that moment, done something to support both the other person and myself. I accept and allow myself to do what is best for all: to give myself every opportunity as every moment to do something to support everyone so that I may place myself in a dignified position so that I may face every being in the entire world without a single justified moment of regret/guilt/shame; that was only justified because of giving up on myself to repeat old habits and continue as the Mind, only to not continue when a loser of this world and this world system asks me what I have done to support Life that obviously includes him as a loser in this world.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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