Day 12: I Don’t Know What To DO!

Asserting the decision to live.  This means asserting a decision to do what needs to be done regardless of how I feel in that moment.  While the decision is permanent in that I cannot change my past, it also has to be made in every single moment here – or else I will pay the consequences for my arrogance.

Example: today was a weekend so I thought I would give myself a rest from studying.  What happened was I didn’t know what to do, and having already committed myself to the thought, “I will stop studying and give myself a rest today”, I fell back into what was most learned and comfortable: my old habit of constantly fiddling around on the Internet, watching countless videos.

What this immediately tells me is that I have not been studying effectively because I have defined myself to the task of studying: finding myself in what I do instead of living.

The topic of today’s self forgiveness will be the point that I allowed this mistake to cost me nearly half a day’s worth of time; that could have been spent more wisely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immerse myself in thoughts that tell me how apparently lost I am for what to do with the time that I have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to squander countless moments repeating the same mistake – participating in the same point of abdication of responsibility – up to hours of irreversible time, regardless of the fact that I ultimately require correcting myself: I either face the point of correction immediately within/as self will and self dedication, or I delay correction until reality forces me to realise – which is an excruciating experience to choose in comparison to stopping in the moment with breath, investigating in self honesty, and applying the self correction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall back into old habits out of the excuse that ‘it has worked for me before in the past, so it is better to repeat the past (that has not brought immediate physical consequences) than not knowing what to do with myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘not knowing what to do with me’ as bad/evil/wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist remaining with myself when I realise that I do not know what to do with myself, with absolutely no idea where or how I came to this conclusion about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself by/through falling into old habits when I don’t know what to do about a specific habit/pattern/mood that I am creating in me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that every habit that I participated in in the past is invalid to do what is best for all because every habit I developed over time has been to benefit me at the complete disregard of everyone and the consequences I impose on everyone, that will be what I leave for future generations to face as a daily experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that I am tired when/as I participate in the question of “shouldn’t I give myself a rest after working diligently for a week?”.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I am generating an experience of tiredness when I ask myself this question out of the consideration that others would usually ask themselves this question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask a question out of fear that if I do not say ‘Yes’ to a break, others will judge me to be weird/strange.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that if I ask any question out of fear, my answer will always be predictable and predetermined/preprogrammed by my fear because within/as accepting and allowing fear to define me, I become less than my own self created experience of fear and then I will do everything to hide from facing my own fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask myself about having a break from the starting point/motivation of assisting and supporting me to do what needs to be done, which obviously starts with considering who I am here instead of fear.

When I do not know what to do with myself in a moment, I stop – I breathe.  I do not accept or allow myself to continue participating in this thought because living is about who I am within/as whatever I am doing.  I do not accept or allow myself to label what I am doing in this moment – telling myself that I apparently don’t know what to do – as unimportant.  I accept and allow myself to stop projecting importance into the future and I realise and accept that importance remains within/as what is real, and I have made the thought ‘I don’t know what to do’ real through my participation.  I accept and allow myself to actually face myself as what I am participating in, instead of projecting into the future and speaking in terms of ‘who I should be’ or ‘what I should do’.  I realise and accept that I am also facing overwhelmingness within/as not knowing what to do with myself.  I do not accept or allow myself to be/become possessed by overwhelmingness.  I accept and allow myself to stop the underlying experience of overwhelmingness by/through asserting myself as the decision to support myself in reality.  I accept and allow myself to renew my commitment and dedication to myself by/through asserting the decision to support myself, one moment at a time.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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