Day 13: Forgiving a Dysfunctional Relationship

Due to time constraints, part 1 of a journey in investigating the relationship I have developed with interacting with other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that human-to-human interactions currently are useless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain mystified by how and why people interact with each other in the way that they do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label human-to-human interactions as bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in my lack of understanding and compassion, judge friendship to be empty and meaningless.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that when I define relationships as friendships to be meaningless, they will be so because I will create meaningless friendships and relationships, and deliberately speak nonsense that wastes everyone’s time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that the only way for me to make friends is to speak bullshit and pretend everything is fine especially when they are not.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define relationships as bullshit, and thus define myself to be/become a person that speaks bullshit.

I forgive myself for not daring to see for myself what friendships can be within the context of standing for/as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself as the word/idea of friendship when I excluded the word from my vocabulary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike the word friend/friendship out of the excuse/justification that I had never had a real meaningful relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear friendship.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to admit to myself that I have been justifying my fear of friendships with memories of the countless apparent friendships I had only to see them come as quickly as they went without a trace.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise my own responsibility for not maintaining a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that if I want to make friends, I must be able to speak bullshit and pretend to be positive and smiling when I am not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate relationships to survival where I only participate in the bare minimum of maintaining a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in the compromising position of judging relationships, yet wanting/needing/desiring a relationship at certain specific moments.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise how I have been judging the relationship that I have been establishing with myself, that reflect the extent to which I understand and see relationships for what they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define relationships according to uselessness and redundancy, thus sabotaging my relationships throughout my life.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage my relationships with other people, out of the excuse that I dislike what has occurred when I was within a network of relationships.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that this entire world and reality – including within/as myself – consists of relationships and so when I reject any relationship that is what is here = I am in fact rejecting and separating myself from what is here as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask myself the question, “Why haven’t people addressed the manipulation and control that frequently play out in relationships”, from the starting point of justifying my dislike for relationships, and abdicating responsibility for how I have in fact accepted and allowed relationships of manipulation and control to exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly say to myself, “I don’t know what the fuck is happening when two people speak to each other and like each other.”

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I don’t know how two people can like each other because I do not know exactly how I have designed myself to like certain specific personalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that if I do not know to exact detail how someone’s personality works, it is impossible for me to direct the conversation because any input I give can blow up in my face at any given moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the interpersonal relationships that are here out of the excuse of fear of failure.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that my relationships only exist because I decided for them to exist, so I have a responsibility for how my relationships are functioning because it takes two people to form a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that it is impossible for me to redefine my relationships into something worthwhile such as what is best for ALL.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate and control a relationship to be/become the ideal I have only dreamt of in my Mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the reality as the current state of my own relationships to give all of my attention to my desires about how a relationship should work.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I give up the ONE opportunity to practically redefine my relationships when I ignore the current reality of my accepted and allowed relationships, that are my responsibility alone because I have accepted and allowed these relationships to be part of my daily living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the excuse/justification that I do not know the practical process of redefining relationships so I must wait for the experts to discover these mechanisms for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid doing the ‘dirty’ work and into the nitty gritty of standing within/as the current state of my relationships, and redefining them according to what would be best for all in practical common sense, that only speak when I am silent and stop chattering in my head with opinions and judgments that get me nowhere and are distractions in fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that I am smart for not participating in any relationships actively such that if no one were to approach me = I would not have any relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I may take from relationships without having to give anything back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving in relationships out of the excuse/justification that people will only take and take; because this seems to be the only way to profit off of Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that there is only so much I can give in relationships, such that I must give sparingly.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that if the entire world held the same attitude as I have about relationships, nothing would be done to create a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I have not done what is best for all within/as my participation as deliberate lack of participation in relationships, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse and become the abuser that I have feared in relationships.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that as time has proven undeniably, when I fear being abused/manipulated/controlled in a relationship, in the utmost fear I abuse/manipulate/control first to protect myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is ‘kind of’ acceptable to manipulate and control others when in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others by/through pretending to be a positive and bubbly person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into manipulating others so that I may have their stamp of approval and acceptance, because deep down I have not ever accepted or approved of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I am responsible for my complete lack of participation in relationships.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I fear participating in relationships because when I do, I reveal and expose parts of my personality that I fear facing out of the belief that when I face it, I will not know what to do; so the least I can do is to sweep parts of myself under the carpet to focus on what needs to be done instead of seemingly impossible questions/occurences to understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am supporting myself by/through hiding and suppressing that which I do not immediately understand to apparently focus better on what I can understand and can do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that I will focus better when I hide and suppress parts of my experiences that I do not immediately understand.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that when I hide and suppress experiences that I do not understand, I am defining myself to be inferior to my own experience and therefore less than and therefore be controlled and manipulated by these experiences, and whoever can trigger these experiences as reactions, usually reactions to/towards people and events and circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain silent in terms of speaking up for myself in a relationship so that I know where I stand and therefore everyone know through how I speak to each one of them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I do speak up about my concerns about a relationship/friendship being established, other people will immediately terminate the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of loss to dictate my action to not speak about my complaints about relationships.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that if I have a concern/problem about any relationship in my world and do not do anything practical to at least do something different to see what happens = I am complaining and whining about the position that I alone placed myself in/as, when the exact same moment could be used to do something different, such as directly asking the person.

More to come…

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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One Response to Day 13: Forgiving a Dysfunctional Relationship

  1. Pingback: Am I Sacrificing Speed When I Am Detail-Oriented? | Kasper's Journey To Life

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