Day 16: The Eternally Futile Search For One’s Place in the World

One moment keeps on recurring as a thought: when I changed schools, I started to try and find my identity.  So I went through the generic list of socialite, geek, jock, artsy, and so on, but one moment sticks out in particular: it’s when I happened to be included in a group of sporty people in my year group during break, to which I clearly stated to myself silently, “I am a jock.”

Within that statement alone I gave myself a false sense of security, comfort in knowing that I had finally found something – when it actually found me, because the group decided to include me in their circle literally: we stood in a circle to chat around the bench.

I see this memory repeating itself in watching videos endlessly, as if to try to substantiate a thought by watching a video about it.  When I stopped watching for just one moment, I found absolute dissatisfaction with myself and within/as this experience I created an intense desire to continuously watch videos.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to watch videos continuously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide an absolute sense of dissatisfaction with myself with the want/need/desire to watch videos continuously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to run away from the dissatisfied experience I am in fact generating within/as myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself as dissatisfaction so that I realise and take responsibility for how I have created my own dissatisfaction.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I have created dissatisfaction within myself out of the belief that if I am not any one of the labels frequently advertised in my world, I am worth nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to categorize myself into a group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that I am not already part of a group as the group of Life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise myself as an equal part of Life, out of the belief that if money does not value something, it does not exist and is worthless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as worthless out of the excuse that money does not value me for who I am; only what I can do to further the cause of money which is to profit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how much money others would pay for me as my labour.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that other than the labour I provide to a company for money, who I am is useless and worthless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as useless and worthless out of the excuse that money does not value anything other than the labour that I provide and the patterns in which I consume.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself according to statistics and numbers instead of realising that because I decide who I am in every moment, I decide how much worth each and every part of me is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly copy the value system that the flow of money implies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame statistics, money, and the job system for my own dehumanization of myself into numbers and figures of how much and how well I can work for a company.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to own up to my own responsibility for diminishing myself into that which I am not, which is not just numbers and figures in themselves, specifically geared towards measuring my ability to support the money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self dishonesty as the giving into diminishing myself into numbers and figures when I realise that numbers and figures are merely reflections of who I am, but they do not in any way represent the totality of who I am.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to freely express myself as a statement of my acceptances and allowances as the fruit of my own work as love made visible, only to instead place myself in a limited definition of a handful of labels to design myself into a symbol of pop culture to be with the group of people I regularly interacted with at school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the pain that I in fact felt when I was walking the process of commercializing myself to be ‘universally likeable’ by all, because I wanted to stay part of the group, only later to want to be the star of the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that the only group that existed in my world was the group with the people I went to school daily with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect and ignore the group of everyone as all as Life, when I believed that the only group that exists is the group of people I interacted with daily at school.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that everything in my life starts with the individual as myself as what I accept and allow myself to participate in daily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that groups give birth to individuals.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that it is according to who I am as an individual that determines what groups I participate within/as, and not the other way around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that I am alone if I am not part of any group.

When I catch myself wanting/needing/desiring to watch another video, I stop – I breathe.  I do not accept or allow myself to define myself according to the past.  I do not accept or allow myself to attempt to relive and repeat the past as a memory.  I do not accept or allow myself to run away from my actual starting point of negativity when I try to gloss myself over with positivity as desire.  I do not accept or allow myself to neglect myself when glossing over myself to please others within/as a mask of positivity.  I accept and allow myself to honour and respect myself: I accept and allow myself to assert my decision to do what is best for all, by/through taking a self honest look at my starting point of wanting/needing/desiring to watch another video, and realigning my starting point to living solutions that will last into infinity as that which is best for all.  I realise and accept that if my accepted and allowed starting point is of dissatisfaction and/or negativity, I am not being self honest with myself.  I do not accept or allow myself to manifest my self dishonesty into/as the Physical if I watch another video.  I accept and allow myself to assert myself as self honesty by/through stopping, and changing my starting point from dissatisfaction to the satisfaction of having this moment of breath to realign my acceptances and allowances to acceptances and allowances that are best for all.

I commit myself to walk a process of stopping repeating the past.  I do not accept or allow myself to live in that which no longer exists as the past.  I accept and allow myself to let go of my past to realise what has made my journey so far possible as who I am in each moment of breath that I am here.  I accept and allow myself to die in every moment to meet each moment fresh and new, because I realise and accept that I have identified myself within/as the past, instead of realising that I am here.  I accept and allow myself to no matter what, live and apply myself as the breath of Life: Here I am breath, therefore I stand equal and one with/as breath and allow myself as breath to guide me through whatever trail I must rewalk to stop repeating the past and start living.  I realise and accept that if I am not equal to breath, I am less than my breath and in the Mind cycling in the past, hidden in plain sight as fears, desires, opinions, and judgments again.

I commit myself to stop holding a false image of myself as sacred to instead, for the first time in my life, live in honour and respect of who I am as what I accept and allow in myself and my world, and to realign myself to the image and likeness of Life as what is best for all, one habit/point/pattern at a time.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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