Day 18: Perfectionist Behaviour

I feel frightened that I am not holding up the perfect self application that I have seen myself live before.  But if that is not already here absolutely stable and consistent, it was never real.

Before – that means the past – that means it is already not here.  What is here is what I have judged as ‘imperfect’ self application.  But writing this, the question finally arises: Compared to what?

This is a matter of self acceptance and facing another point: ambition and perfection.  For years I have terrorized myself with this fictional idea of perfection, and the more I failed at achieving what I thought was possible immediately = the more ambitious I became.  The more conflicted I became; the more hesitant I was in deciding what to do.

The one argument I put up for myself when living the pursuit of happiness as the pursuit of perfection, is that I would not realise my own mistakes if I remained confident even in my most pivotal mistakes.  One point that I could never figure out as a bundle of knowledge/information is how some people could make blatant errors and continue onward, equally confident in their own ability and self worth.  Time to pop this bubble as the accepted and allowed prison bars of ambition and perfection.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the absolute shame and horror that I have attached to the imagination of myself accepting myself as imperfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become the parent that yell at his child for not doing perfect enough to win and be a winner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subscribe to the cult of perfection, being a cult simply because all of my criteria for perfection has been exclusively based on the reactions of others towards me, all of which is uncertain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to settle for absolute uncertainty of what I will express within/as the task at hand I have placed in front of me in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I may express within/as the task at hand, if I just do it with no prior ‘quality control’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to have control over the quality of my self expression if I just did something with absolutely no second thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself defining the quality of my self expression according to the combat effectiveness I believe that my self expression will give to me to diminish others for my personal gain/profit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people according to my judgment of the combat effectiveness of their expression within the system of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to weaponize my own self expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to weaponize my own self expression in the self interest/greed of winning the competition, after hiding and suppressing many moments of bitter defeat and loss and getting fed up with constantly being seen and interpreted as inferior, yet not ruthless enough to be what I would need to be if I wanted to be a winner within the system of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior out of the excuse/justification that because I did not try to win, I soon only saw myself as a loser and inevitably became fed up with being seen and seeing myself as less than other human beings; less than human.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that even remaining in the loser’s position, I am the cause of all of the atrocities committed in the name of winning and profit because for winners to exist, losers must be there for the comparison and competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become the demon and nightmare that I fear such that I have deliberately limited myself from standing within/as who I am and not accept anything less.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to terrorize myself in the name of positivity and goodness, apparently represented in perfection and conformance.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that within participating in that which I have defined as positive – perfection and compliance as a form of avoidance of conflict – I am hiding and suppressing the negative points that are the actual motivating factors that I have driven myself with to want/need/desire some form of positivity in my life; to ‘balance’ my ‘experience’ within a system of polarity which simply do not exist.  For polarity to exist, absolute good must be complemented with absolute evil as the reverse of living.

Therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support and create absolute evil in my daily participation and within/as the world when I strive to create some form of absolute good in/through my Mind as thoughts of perfection and compliance that supersede applying common sense to all habits/patterns and knowledge/information.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be intimate with myself so that I realise exactly how and what of myself I am defending while designing to support that which is evil as that which do not serve Life as all of Life as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that if/when I have an emotional wound hidden in the veil of pride and ego, I must protect it with excuses and justifications at all costs, not realising that I inflict the ultimate cost as burden on myself: the giving up of my life, translating into the giving up of Life as all, which creates such an extreme level of shame and regret that is unbearable when at death, I have left behind the world still in shambles, where I will be forced to face future generations as to why I have given up on them as me in another life, when given everything but the decision that I simply must make: the decision to do what is best for all simply because we live in one reality and thus must consider everyone within the consequences of what has been created through my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that because I had created my own emotional wound through participation in the Mind, I actually require the reverse as the opening up as self intimacy and vulnerability to recognize my self responsibility for my own wound.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that self responsibility, as that which remains when I embrace self intimacy and vulnerability, is what shames me into the lowest life form I can imagine myself possible, when it is the reverse; self responsibility is what lightens the burden because by taking responsibility for myself, I give to myself the ability to do what needs to be done in reality, and to do it properly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that I require cunningness and cleverness to live in this world and this reality of competition.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that when I take self responsibility and enable myself to do things properly, I no longer need to be cunning or clever to find out ‘how’ or ‘why’ or ‘what’ because all of those details are realised as common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire perfection so that I have another weapon to defend myself with within the system of competition that currently exist in the world.

When I am terrorizing myself with the impossible task of being perfect, I stop – I breathe.  I accept and allow myself to stop trying to be perfect.  I do not accept or allow myself to continue participating in competition, which only supports a fear of survival that exists within both winners and losers equally.  I accept and allow myself to support winners and losers equally by/through regarding them as human beings living in this world, firstly by accepting and allowing myself to stop defining myself according to winning/losing.  I accept and allow myself to regard myself as a human being simply because of the undeniable point that I am here breathing, and like any human being if I stop breathing I will die.  I do not accept or allow myself to label myself as an outcast at the suggestion of the harsh words of others.

I do not accept or allow myself to belittle the common sense I have exercised within/as considering my actions before living them when I unconditionally accept what other people say about me.  I accept and allow myself to question and test every point of knowledge/information from myself and others so that another point is realigned to what is best for all so that I may trust myself with this point of self responsibility.

I commit myself to stop perfection in every way so that I may remain within/as myself as what is real, so that when I work with myself I am working with reality so that I may exact real measurable change within/as myself, that I have dreamt of in my Mind, only to speak about everything but do nothing in my Mind.

I commit myself to writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective action so that I may let go of that which limits me, which includes the ideas of good and evil that I have created in my Mind, such as perfection.

I commit myself to writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective action so that I provide myself the written evidence and statement to support myself to real change.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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One Response to Day 18: Perfectionist Behaviour

  1. Thank you for this Kasper

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