I Fear My Own Future Character
In the morning, just before getting out of bed, I would jerk my right arm as if trying to quickly grab something before someone else gets it. It was driven by fear of being last/not being first, because in all competition one winner is given everything while the majority are left to fight over next to nothing.
The reason why this character has been brought out to write about is because this was a character that was related to several other characters I was possessed by: “I don’t want to talk about it” character, jealousy/comparison/competitive character, Time character, “I’m working” character.
Another point that brought out this point is how I have not been pushing/directing myself in fact to live/apply the necessary changes to guarantee that I will go through university studies smoothly, lately using work AND entertainment as an excuse to delay/postpone the inevitable: that I must give to receive.
So what I am exposing about myself here is how I have been a pompous asshole to myself for not applying the necessary changes to walk the world system practically in fact, which has inevitably leaked into my participation in the group that I am currently walking with. Arrogance to/towards others such as how I have not walked the necessary process to complete my assignments and daily responsibilities – studying maths, writing daily, reading supportive blogs daily – is unacceptable if I am serious about standing as a living example to create a world that is best for all.
When I finally write this point out, what is required from me daily is in fact quite small, and ABSOLUTELY SPECIFICALLY dependent on what I accept and allow in the smaller moments of breath. And within this the arrogance of constantly making the same mistake of valuing a delusional definition of a bigger definition of time, worrying about where I will be months and years from now when I have not even taken care of myself within/as this one tiny moment; the same tiny moment accumulated 1+1 into the personality that I now call my daily living, so equally I must walk one and equal tiny moments to take back self responsibility and stop the self abuse and world abuse of subscribing into ego bubbles of delusional comfort that result in apathy and every emotion/feeling imaginable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that to apply myself here, I must stop fearing the future.
When I fear the future, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept or allow myself to box all of my self imposed limitations into/as the word future, then resist facing myself within/as my own future. I accept and allow myself to see my own self imposed limitations for what they are, that I may take abck self responsibility and finally direct myself to live in a way that I can live in a way that is best for all because anything less would be unacceptable when Life has already given everything we require to live, and the only point that stop Life from giving to others right now is ourselves as humanity. I accept and allow myself to realise that I may only see myself for who/what/how I am by/through facing myself ONE moment at a time. I accept and allow myself to delete my own self imposed limitations to do what needs to be done, regardless of what kind of past I have accumulated for myself because what needs to be done involves only what is HERE.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that within/as me fearing the future, I am in fact fearing myself because the only one responsible for the future I am forced to live with is my daily living.
I Commit myself to face the actions that I am applying in each moment of breath because this is the only real point where I may make a difference to myself within/as pushing through all difficulty to realign myself into a living example that is best for all.
I commit myself to correct the actions I am living/applying to the necessary actions that will bring about what is best for all, by/through establishing a foundation of self awareness so that within/as realising my self responsibility for a specific point in my life, my actions become lifetime commitments within/as what is best for all, instead of abusing my own actions to fulfill self interested desires for a positive experience of myself in my world.
I Commit myself to STOP abusing my actions to generate a positive feeling, to instead recognize actions for what they are as a means to fulfill what I have already realised as my self responsibility for various aspects of my daily living. Therefore I commit myself to expand my self awareness therefore self responsibility by/through a daily commitment to writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective statements to quantify for myself that I am in fact serious to do everything it takes to create a world that is best for all, and not accept or allow the world to continue the way it has been for any longer than necessary.
When/as I have any excuses to apply myself anywhere else but this ONE moment, in ONE point, in a sequential manner, I stop, I breathe. I realise and accept that I have CONvinced myself of the apparent effectiveness that the Mind brings to the table where I interpret myself to be making more progress when I participate in the Mind. I do not accept or allow myself to use my own experience of myself as an indicator of how effectively I am walking my process of self honesty in living application. I accept and allow myself to use my time-based living to commit myself to quantify my process in every way as a tool to assert and develop my self trust, to further expand my considerations of what I am responsible for in fact, that I must prove within/as my actions because my actions always reveal to me my own starting point/motivations that always determine the value/outcome/consequences of my work as love made visible.
I commit myself to only recognize myself within/as work because within/as the work that I apply/live in each moment, I see myself and everyone sees me for who/what/how I am, because my actions always expose what starting point I accept and allow within myself, that define to a significant extent the value of my actions and daily living.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to evade/hide/suppress the realisation that if I continue applying myself in the same habits/patterns that I have always been applying = I will create a future where I am forced to realise the self imposed tragedy of being less than what I could have become if I had given myself my own daily labour within/as standing one and equal to the position I am currently in in the world. Example = delaying/postponing maths studies in spite that I have also made the decision to study maths for a long time.
I Commit myself to show that because we are in fact the answers to our own problems, alluded to within/as Equality and Oneness, there is NEVER an excuse to not stand as ourselves and face ourselves as the problems we have created within/as ourselves through many interpretations within/as thoughts/emotions/feelings misleading into conclusions. This is because within/as facing ourselves, there is always no one but ourselves within ourselves and to say otherwise – such as within/as participating in self pity or lamenting – is simply an abdication of self responsibility that must be stopped, or otherwise be faced with the consequences of abdicating parts of myself to the Mind of thoughts/emotions/feelings, practically seen as characters that automatically manage my life for me, in spite that I have no idea how these characters are managing my life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realise/understand that the fear of my own future has become the only real point in my life because I alone decided through my daily acceptances and allowances in each moment – one tiny drop at a time – that I would create a future of self compromise, wherein I have also decided to force myself through the unnecessary pain of realising that I was the only one holding myself back from being/becoming a person able to take more responsibility and therefore live in a more active role in creating a world that is best for all.
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing the arrogance of denying myself to remain here and face myself within/as the smaller = the acceptances and allowances that I alone make in every SINGLE moment, one by one, while somehow having all the time in the world to lament and pity myself for what I have accumulated for me in the smaller, but only recognizing myself in the greater as my dark future because I have deliberately valued the greater over the smaller when they are in fact one and equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself into a part that is only applying itself within/as the smaller, as each moment that I lament and pity myself, and a part that is self righteous and self important within/as deliberately ignoring and delaying what actually needs to be done with excuses of importance/haste – that can ONLY be done one moment at a time – to dream/hope/lament/pity myself for the future that I am responsible for.
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse facing myself direct = with no excuses but to realise the consequences of following my desires within/as characters.
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny what I in fact do to myself when I hide and run away from facing myself within/as the smaller, that represent and reflect a part of my responsibility to all as a part of Life, that has an equal and one say in defining what living can be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny the simplicity of walking time as how it is always walked in fact = one point at a time, where I have nothing more to live/apply myself than one point, and through perfecting my self application in one moment, I am developing myself within/as the greater as longer periods of commitment until I realise myself to be responsible within/as that one point and the commitment is no longer limited by time and becomes a lifetime commitment. That being said, the process to birth a definition of Life that all would be proud to live, starts and ends with me, applying myself in this moment of breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to be stupid to/towards myself, by/through still giving myself excuses not to understand and therefore apply the point of remaining here, and the simplicity and the self trust as power that is accumulated and developed within/as remaining here and applying myself here; instead of applying myself in the Mind where I think/dream about all sorts of things except for the obvious as what I am contributing to my life and therefore the lives of all, as all are equally responsible for what living has become in this world.