Day 84: Learning Obsession

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing the imagination that I have done countless things ‘right’, but something ‘wrong’, that invalidates everything I have done and everything I have earned because of doing the ‘right’ things, to become a reason to continue digging myself into/as the self definition of myself as a failure, out of the excuse and justification that I am a failure because I don’t know exactly how to prevent failure every time; I don’t have the knowledge/information already preprogrammed into me to prevent failure.

When and as I see myself imagining myself doing everything but one single thing wrong, which ‘topples’/destroys everything I have built up to that point, just ‘one tiny little mistake’, I stop and breathe.  I realise that trying to predict to prepare for such events is useless.

I commit myself to stop preoccupying myself in the Mind, such as this imagined scene, because the ONE moment where I have the opportunity to support myself is within/as standing equal and one to who I am, before I started ignoring myself and comparing myself to others, in that creating friction/conflict that manifest into an action of blame as ambition.  Where, in/as being ambitious because of being jealous after comparing myself to others, I am tacitly blaming other people for the negative experience I created through comparison, and suppressing the negative experience with/as the addiction to being ambitious, and also accumulating the negative experience into positive experience through continuously participating in the action of being ambitious.

I Commit myself to stop participating in ambition, out of the passive agressive action of preserving/maintaining my own survival when I try to predict a worst case scenario, in the belief that I prevent such nightmares from happening by imagining it and thinking about how I would solve it in my Mind.

I Commit myself to stop imagining worst case scenarios to instead investigate the negative experiences I have attached onto the themes in my imagination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask, in self interest, what are the ‘right’ things I can do to gain/win more and thus be happier, as a reaction to the negative motivation of fearing doing something wrong, that is actually hiding fear of loss as my signature in the Deal with the Devil; locking me into an infinite stupidity loop of manifesting actions according to possession and survival of me as Energy-Authority through Consciousness as the fear/fear of loss-based pursuit of happiness/positive energy experience.

When and as I see myself searching for the right thing to do, I stop and breathe.  I realise that there is no such thing as a right thing to do because right and wrong is always an opinion formed in the Mind after many judgments/conclusions made about reality, with no consideration of reality at all.  I commit myself to investigate the illusion of right and wrong I have created as an excuse to not in fact face myself in self honesty, but instead debate within myself about what is right and wrong.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define learning according to only considering me and my possession/survival/reward of/as positive energy experience, such that when I fulfill my want/need/desire within/as learning, only I get what I want at the cost of my physical body and this physical existence.

When and as I see myself learning only for my own survival/empowerment/reward, I stop and breathe.  I realise that learning for only my survival is of the Mind because this is motivated by fear of loss/not surviving.  I commit myself to delete the thoughts of fear of survival when/as I learn so that I have the opportunity to actually apply myself in/as the task of learning, instead of preoccupying myself in thoughts about learning and how learning will ensure my survival as the constant friction/conflict in/as Mind-Authority/Energy.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that for an action, such as learning, to be useful/valuable/worth my time/attention, I have to take action in my Mind to make it useful to me as my wants/needs/desires, from the One Choice I made within/as the Deal with the Devil as my signature of/as Fear/fear of loss.

When and as I see myself looking for explanations designed to motivate me to learn, I stop and breathe.  I realise that the only Real Explanation is within/as actually applying myself in learning and remaining here.  I commit myself to establish responsibility, directive principle, and will in learning by/through learning in every moment as a decision independent of circumstances and what I think about the circumstances.  I realise that it is useless to think about circumstances; it is important to direct them, by/through directing myself first.

I Forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realise/understand the value of Life within/as the action of learning, as the opportunity to give Life/support as I would like to receive, one and equal to every moment of Breath.

When and as I do not see the relevance of learning to my daily living, I stop and breathe.  I realise that as the physical body, as the only valid character worth supporting, learning is as essential to me as breath is to my daily experience here on Earth.  I commit myself to align learning to be equal to a moment of breath, such that I do not stop learning because of a few opinions I have created in my Mind, just as my breath cannot stop because I am thinking about something.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define learning according to Energy/Money, as my own accepted and allowed relationship of possession and survival of Energy/Money, where the cause/acceptance and effect/allowance produce consequence as separation and consequence-outflow as deliberate conflict/friction (spite), within/as actions of blame as spite, excuse, and justification: the action as only learning because I want/need/desire to accumulate Energy/Money, out of the excuse and justification of accumulating as much Energy/Money as possible to ensure my own survival/possession of Energy/Money, with Life still remaining as an uncertainty that is seen/revealed in the smaller in how I interpret my life to be an uncertainty.  And instead of walking the process to align my who, how, and what I am to the certainty that I will support Life in every way, I am still stupidity looping in thoughts of fear, doubts, anxieties, and worries: all just thoughts that do not change reality and do not support me to face reality, starting in the smaller as the reality of myself as the physical manifested consequences I have created because of the addiction to Energy/Money, specifically my relationship of possession and survival to/towards Energy within and Money without.

When and as I see myself learning only to secure my own survival, I stop and breathe.  I realise that when I learn only to survive, I have equated learning to fear such that every moment I learn becomes a moment where I participate and ingrain myself further into/as fear of loss, making the fear of loss my reality.  I Commit myself to investigate who I am within/as learning in real time, to walk the process of releasing myself from the addiction to fear, hidden in plain sight as the obsession to find better ways to learn, so that learning can once again be an expression of self in expanding my awareness of what is here and how everything works, one part at a time.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing everything, as everything that I have gained through the actions I accepted and allowed to be motivated by love, hiding fear, hiding fear of loss.

When and as I see myself fearing losing everything, I stop and breathe.  I realise that paying attention to the fear of losing everything is paying attention to fear, which is always less than what is physically here.  I commit myself to stick to the Physical because I am only able to change myself if I constantly remain in/as the Physical, as the physical actions I accept and allow in every moment.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that everything that I value/have now is because of everything I have learnt up to this point, as all of the characters I have created to manage my life up until now.

When and as I see myself equating my characters to be the only posessions of value that make me valuable to myself and in the world, I stop and breathe.  I realise that valuing characters in separation from myself is a side effect of the constant addiction to Energy, wherein I would value effects as characters that I created over the actual cause.  I commit myself to reverse the logic/reason of the Mind of separation into/as the simplicity of facing myself first as I am because I cannot know who I will be when I have separated myself from who I am here.


About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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