I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be obsessed with competition when/as learning with others, competing through means such as teaching others how to do questions and being taught how to do questions, how quickly we finish a given topic or assignment, how well we did on our last assignment.
When and as I see myself competing with others while learning, I stop and breathe. I realise that when I diminish learning into an action designed to take from others, as the self induced illusion of being right/godly while others are ‘less right’/wrong, I am in fact taking from myself within/as defining myself to be so poor/inferior that I believe that I must take from others by/through defining learning (action) according to spite/ridicule/judgment of others, and in that in fact blaming others for my negative experience/relationship of self judgment. I commit myself to stop participating in blame and judgment of others when learning, so that I may define learning according to self support, and therefore support of others in an expression of Life where I support a solution of Life that is eternally viable/valid. I Commit myself to learn from the starting point of supporting myself in my world as a human body that require resources from/of the system that manages such resources, to do what needs to be done like the relationship between breath and my human body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a success for every instance where I have acted on self interest, and have successfully protected and defended these actions through blame as spite, excuse, and justification.
When and as I feel better after an action of protecting/defending myself through blame as spite/ridicule/judgment, excuse, and justification, I stop and breathe. I realise that when I allow myself to feel more valued because of spiting another, in the excuse and justification of protection and defence, and be addicted to this ‘I have become more’ experience, I am in fact dueling with myself: separating myself into one part that feels inferior, and another part that is ravenous to be/become more, such that out of fear of myself as the inferior part, I would harm another just to hide/suppress/delay/postpone facing and taking responsibility for my own creation that has been misused to justify abusing and harming others for self interested personal gain. Furthermore, to the extreme of blaming others for feeling forced to resort to such actions, while from the beginning it is absolutely clear that I manipulated myself into convincing myself to harm others – separating myself into an inferior part and a part left wanting while denying one part of myself and being obsessed with the other – in deliberate ignorance that I created both the cause/motivation for my actions and my actions themselves. I Commit myself to show that when I have faced and released myself as the inferior part that motivated me to protect/defend myself, I stop fear of loss defining my entire reality/experience in that moment.
So what motivated me to protect/defend myself by/through the use of learning as a resource to be/become superior to others?
In grade school, it was drilled into me very clearly, from the way students that did not do well in academics were treated by teachers: the bottom line was that if you did not get good grades, you were less than all of the other kids. I was extremely uncomfortable with this observation so I continuously thought about this and why it is unacceptable, how I might change this, all only leading to one obvious fact: I can’t change this by myself, because this was the agreement of the majority. From there it triggered lots of backchat *about* this immediately unchangable fact: is it fair to discriminate against other people just because of their academics? How would I feel if I didn’t do well and were subject to such discrimination? Why is this belief system even being applied when all it does is discourage students and make them do worse in the long run? Then, slowly but surely, I began to adopt this belief system as my own: I began only seeing myself as the value of myself being the value of my academic scores, distilled into short numbers and letters, which were totally opposite to the process walked by each one to achieve such letters/numbers. The effort required to write such values onto someone’s work is absurdly minimal compared to the work someone placed into answering the questions. Yet from these letters and numbers, every authority would judge someone to be valuable or worthless to them, ignoring all of the possible toil and effort someone placed just to get it; I interpreted/concluded that these letters/numbers were valued, and not a person’s work.
At this point I interpreted my own work being ignored, for measly numbers and letters to be valued as if it meant the world to these authorities that would in the future, determine our entire lives according to what university we go to, what highschool, what job we get, etc. I became very angry because I devalued my own work for the chase/pursuit of such numbers/letters as grades, and the more I participated in this belief, the worse I became at getting higher grades; of course because I was ignoring the extensive amount of work I walk through to answer the questions in front of me during a test. Then slowly but surely, I started to walk the work to get the grades out of anger and fear – because what if for whatever reason, I got a lower grade: according to what I have seen, I become less to other people when I get a lower grade – and I interpreted my participation in anger and fear to be effort.
The more ‘effort’ I put into trying to get a higher grade, the more my grades actually worsened, which just intensified my fear of failing. Learning became an unpleasant and tiresome process because of the extensive amount of anger and fear I placed myself just to walk the work necessary to get the grade I wanted, which was eerily always ‘more/higher’. As soon as I got slightly higher grades than last time, I would be satisfied for one moment then immediately go into dissatisfaction because I immediately wanted ‘more’ from myself, a higher grade. But then I would just participate more extensively in anger and fear, and my grades would become less.
This cycle repeated itself and I just intensified the anger and fear I would experience when learning. Eventually I hated learning so much I began doing it at the last minute: I hate this but I will still pass because if I don’t pass my life will stop, this comfortable pattern of school life will stop and I KNOW my parents will not be pleased. My mother noticed I was not doing as well as before and not working as hard as before, so she decided to push me to study more. And from me pushing myself to participate in the anger and fear I attached to learning, my mother did that for me. At this point I was too tired to push myself to learn any more/more often, so I felt relieved when my mother took it upon herself to push me for me. But the consequence was the same: I became more angry and fearful in relation to learning.
In highschool for whatever reason, the disciplining stopped and I was again free to do what I pleased. So I did not learn, and when I did learn: “I’m learning just to pass this stage/test/exam.” Learning became a survival mechanism motivated by only fear of the consequence if I did not learn: I would fail the exam and bring consequences I feared such as being ousted from relationships, family, just people in general. Inevitably my ‘natural’ ability to just absorb information stopped, and I could no longer coast as I used to; this really intensified the fear I was already harbouring within/as learning. Learning became just pure struggle as a fight for dear life: my experience accumulated from ‘if I don’t do this I will face unpleasant things” to “if I don’t do this my life will END”.
To be continued