Continued from Day 90: Learning For Profit Alone
Breathing a HUGE sigh of relief after possessing a box with the label, “Learning”, to represent all of the skills I have accumulated to make my life easy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define learning according to a struggle where only at the very end of the struggle, when I am absolutely tired, do I get one single opportunity to rest. I Realise that in attaching this imaginary definition to learning, I have created learning to be an opportunity for self compromise, in giving up the struggle by giving up on learning or compromising myself to continue the struggle, while the physical reality process only requires me to be here with myself and not with a past present and future of memories to struggle against in my thoughts/emotions/feelings about them. I Commit myself to stick to the basic process of learning, and to apply myself to learn daily in consideration of the limited time available in each day.
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define learning according to an imaginary scene of myself thieving knowledge/information where I ‘take’ other people’s opportunity to learn such knowledge/information to a similar degree of depth, by/through not explaining to others in the same specificity and detail I require to achieve the effect, or not explaining at all. I Realise that when I accept and allow myself to deceive others as to how to do a task, I give permission for others in my world to do the same unto me, in spite of the positive experience of empowerment when I give more to myself than others/hoard more to myself than others out of fear of survival. I Commit myself to redefine learning as equal and one to an act of breathing, wherein breath never seeks for excuses to be tired, to hoard more breath (knowledge) than others, or to limit itself to a specific quantity or quality of air as environment. I Commit myself to stop defining learning according to an activity where I frighten myself with the past, to project/imagine a future or many futures that seem possible because of the past, creating the present moment.
Having a superior weapon while in the gladiator arena, constantly being faced with stronger opponents but always winning because with good enough learning ability, I am able to defeat all of them with ease
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define learning according to a deathmatch, wherein at the end of each exam, I am either one that has survived – and give myself permission to gloat in spitefulness to/towards those geting a lower mark than me – or has failed to pass an exam – where I am faced with the ‘dark side’ of my positive hopes I have embodied as a student character as negative experience. I Realise that in continuing to pursue the positive experiences of a student character, I am accepting and allowing a portion of people be forced to have a negative experience when they just didn’t learn the material effectively enough. I Commit myself to stop equating learning to an act of judgment, where either I or the others are judged negatively to specifically justify/confirm my or other’s positive energy experiences.
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing ‘stronger opponents’ as I learn more effectively, out of the excuse/belief that the more effectively I learn, the more extreme the consequences if I do not win. I realise that the ‘stronger opponent’ is in fact a reflection of myself, so I am actually fearing facing myself when/as I learn more effectively. I Commit myself to delete all components of self interest when/as I learn more effectively, so that when I can learn effectively, I have no reason to fear remaining in this position.
What are the memories I have attached to learning effectively? When I was 10 years old, I realised that I was singling myself out by/through getting one of the higher marks. I didn’t enjoy this because I interpreted equality to be where everyone would get equal marks, so that everyone would have equal access to the perks of getting good grades. And then my Mind jumped to poverty and asked the question, “Would you want the majority to suffer just because you got good grades?” And immediately I realised how I was supporting a situation where a select few were singled out as ‘more than’ because of their grades, while the majority were comparatively discarded and labelled, ‘the majority’. I didn’t like this so I decided to join the majority.
The people I met that got higher grades were also strange in that they also acted differently to the majority; I interpreted them to be constantly jealous and getting high grades to compensate for something within myself. I was getting similar grades to them but then I feared being just like them – like from the one trait I would slowly adopt all the other traits – if I continued getting high grades – so I deliberately lowered my grades in not being so specific and detailed in learning material.
Also I realised that in learning more effectively, I was also more specific and detailed in terms of positioning myself in my world, and immediately I saw this as a danger because if I ever turned evil and spiteful, the impact on others would be magnified by me learning effectively. So as a deliberate precaution I also worked to diminish this ability to be specific and detailed, just in case I ever be overwhelmed and join evil. Eventually I feared other’s ability to be specific and detailed, especially if I saw within myself a possibility of turning evil in them, so that became another excuse to remain in the ‘comfort’ I attached to being with the majority.
To be continued…