Day 93: Shit I Did Something Wrong?

This goes hand in hand with self doubt character. As a child, I was constantly underestimated and played down in terms of being able to do what they (adults) could do. So although I was already eager and ready to take on more responsibility, members of my family specifically prohibited this.

The memory that came up about this is when I would pour tea for everyone while I was still small, when my mother cursed at me for being too weak to hold the teapot, that I would spill it. She snatched the pot away and I felt like who I was, what I was doing – exploring what it means to be an adult in doing everyday adult things – was being rejected because I myself was not enough. So from then on, I specifically backed away from taking on bigger points of responsibility in the belief that this was what my family specifically wanted from me, because the moment I took more responsibility at the time = the more I was rejected as a person in the group. This habit was allowed to define all of my relationships so eventually I stopped daring to take more responsibility, and often just wait until a person specifically explained and told me what was I supposed to do.

Because responsibilities were the first point that was obvious in common sense and I had deliberately suppressed this, I interpreted myself to be stuck in a state of limbo: I Could not make my common sense real by acting on it, so what do I do in between? So in between the moments where I was not instructed in terms of responsibility, I did and repeated the tasks that didn’t trigger my family’s – specifically my mother’s – temper in terms of seeing me, a child, trying to take on responsibilities in the smaller.

I occupied myself in video games during meals out, video games and TV when at home. Lego, and whatever sports were placed in front of me. Then I became addicted to TV, such that I felt resistance to/towards not watching the next TV show. My attention shifted from avoiding responsibility to pursuing ‘my’ desires – the desire to watch TV and play video games. From this point I resisted any instruction about practical responsibilities because all of them would take up time that I otherwise could have used to watch TV. At this point all I was ‘aware’ of was this constant urge to medicate myself with the positive experience I had while watching TV.

This pattern was further reinforced in grade school when I participated in the observation that although I was studying so damn much – from morning to night – I had no idea whatsoever about what this was building up to. I started to question why this was the only valid path to living, and it was clear that if I ever dared to deviate I would not be supported. My mother kept repeating the statement that I should “just do it and I will find out the reasons why later” enough times that I accepted this and just ‘did it’ – and years later, NO ANSWER: just the same, if not exponentially more, niggling tasks to do and learn and become familiar with.

Only as I grew older, the more strict and alarming people would react when I did make a mistake, and especially when more and more money is involved: mistakes become a silent taboo that can be made, but cannot be spoken about. This was my interpretation of the air around me as I grew older. What was also alarming was how even the people that apparently wished the best for me weren’t actually doing so for me; they were obviously seeking for their own desires to be fulfilled somehow.

At this point ‘everything’ – the seeming stability I manufactured out of beliefs and not knowing – crumbled in my hands. I interpreted myself to be in a situation where what I feared was realised. When I was 6 years old I thought about how to objectively determine when I did something wrong, and could not find any satisfiable answer. So in blind trust I followed what was placed in front of me, as the constant and continuous completion of repetitive tasks. When I asked a question about the understanding behind these tasks no answer but the fear of survival was suggested. And now, with the introduction of a few observations, I interpreted myself to be alone again with no real frame of reference to determine my priorities as a human being on this planet as this reality – not just money because no matter what, we all have to access the physical parts of ourselves and this reality and this is something throwing money on cannot buy.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
This entry was posted in 7 Year Journey To Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s