This goes hand in hand with self doubt character. As a child, I was constantly underestimated and played down in terms of being able to do what they (adults) could do. So although I was already eager and ready to take on more responsibility, members of my family specifically prohibited this.
The memory that came up about this is when I would pour tea for everyone while I was still small, when my mother cursed at me for being too weak to hold the teapot, that I would spill it. She snatched the pot away and I felt like who I was, what I was doing – exploring what it means to be an adult in doing everyday adult things – was being rejected because I myself was not enough. So from then on, I specifically backed away from taking on bigger points of responsibility in the belief that this was what my family specifically wanted from me, because the moment I took more responsibility at the time = the more I was rejected as a person in the group. This habit was allowed to define all of my relationships so eventually I stopped daring to take more responsibility, and often just wait until a person specifically explained and told me what was I supposed to do.
Because responsibilities were the first point that was obvious in common sense and I had deliberately suppressed this, I interpreted myself to be stuck in a state of limbo: I Could not make my common sense real by acting on it, so what do I do in between? So in between the moments where I was not instructed in terms of responsibility, I did and repeated the tasks that didn’t trigger my family’s – specifically my mother’s – temper in terms of seeing me, a child, trying to take on responsibilities in the smaller.
I occupied myself in video games during meals out, video games and TV when at home. Lego, and whatever sports were placed in front of me. Then I became addicted to TV, such that I felt resistance to/towards not watching the next TV show. My attention shifted from avoiding responsibility to pursuing ‘my’ desires – the desire to watch TV and play video games. From this point I resisted any instruction about practical responsibilities because all of them would take up time that I otherwise could have used to watch TV. At this point all I was ‘aware’ of was this constant urge to medicate myself with the positive experience I had while watching TV.
This pattern was further reinforced in grade school when I participated in the observation that although I was studying so damn much – from morning to night – I had no idea whatsoever about what this was building up to. I started to question why this was the only valid path to living, and it was clear that if I ever dared to deviate I would not be supported. My mother kept repeating the statement that I should “just do it and I will find out the reasons why later” enough times that I accepted this and just ‘did it’ – and years later, NO ANSWER: just the same, if not exponentially more, niggling tasks to do and learn and become familiar with.
Only as I grew older, the more strict and alarming people would react when I did make a mistake, and especially when more and more money is involved: mistakes become a silent taboo that can be made, but cannot be spoken about. This was my interpretation of the air around me as I grew older. What was also alarming was how even the people that apparently wished the best for me weren’t actually doing so for me; they were obviously seeking for their own desires to be fulfilled somehow.
At this point ‘everything’ – the seeming stability I manufactured out of beliefs and not knowing – crumbled in my hands. I interpreted myself to be in a situation where what I feared was realised. When I was 6 years old I thought about how to objectively determine when I did something wrong, and could not find any satisfiable answer. So in blind trust I followed what was placed in front of me, as the constant and continuous completion of repetitive tasks. When I asked a question about the understanding behind these tasks no answer but the fear of survival was suggested. And now, with the introduction of a few observations, I interpreted myself to be alone again with no real frame of reference to determine my priorities as a human being on this planet as this reality – not just money because no matter what, we all have to access the physical parts of ourselves and this reality and this is something throwing money on cannot buy.