Learning, from the very beginning, was just something that was placed in front of me so I did it – and I enjoyed doing it.
The point where learning became more complex was in grade school, when suddenly many things were expected of me: weekly tests, exams, grades, marks, report cards. And within these things things my mother expected from me: good tests/exams/grades/marks/report cards. The want/need/desire to do well to please my mother was prominent, and was aggravated when I actually did worse whenever I acted on this desire. There was also the want/need/desire to not do one thing so obsessively that each day was beginning to be amazingly predictable: as if I was living the same day, day in and day out. In grade school I began to question why I was learning so intensively just to pass exams/tests that came up frequently, but I still went to school willing because I wanted to interact and participate with my friends/classmates daily. In grade school I hung out with my friends primarily, with the academics secondary in terms of motivation to go to school.
So in grade school I began to feel pressure whenever I was learning/completing exercises/studying. it crept into my stride like when I was walking to band practice just across the hallway, and I remember my eyes stiff and staring at the ground while I was striding, as if trying to take bigger steps with each step. I had doubts about how in the face of global issues like starvation, I was cocooned to do primarily one thing: learn and pass exams to get admitted into a good university. From the time I spent between each activity during grade school, I was encouraged to place a vast majority of my time into learning, and intuitively I found this very eerie, in that whenever I asked my parents why, for example, roundabout answers would be given as to the purpose of learning, especially in relation to beginning to consider ‘more than just myself’ in the world.
So from grade school to high school, my time priorities reversed because of my lingering doubt about this VERY specific encouragement to be obsessed with learning. With much time given to me in high school, I blindly followed my desires. It led to an obsession with entertainment in watching movies, videos, TV shows. Then at one point I wanted to be/become successful, after coming across the concept of personal development and success in the many audiobooks and books advertised on the Internet. And one of the ‘keys’ to success was learning ability, among other things like social skills. In this period of time where I would voraciously read and listen to personal development material, the initial stress and strain I experienced while learning became (and still is) a self created ‘baseline’ experience where it would be here wherever and whatever I did. One of the reasons for falling into a depressive state was the feedback that in spite of reading and listening to all of this material, NOTHING changed.
At this point the depression reached a stage I was fed up, so in one moment I reacted and quickly searched for something outside of myself to help myself with: and I found spirituality material. The same time loop occured, no change, and one point was prominent: the general ‘direction’ seemed practical – something that every human being would want generally – but in terms of the practicalities, virtually nothing except for ‘breathe’ was suggested. Then I found the Desteni material and found, to a much greater extent, the detail of practical applications, but because we are each individualized illusions/egos (since this is what we wished for), it is ultimately up to us to give ourselves complete practical applications. To now, where I as my individual illusion has not changed and the task has not changed from the very beginning of my initially selfish pursuit, and I am struggling to find a complete answer for myself to the consequences I manifested.
To be continued with self forgiveness…