I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define learning according to a secret plot to win my mother’s approval. When/as I see myself learning with the ‘hidden’ want to seek approval from an outside source such as my mother or an external authority, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I give my power to accept myself away to my mother/an authority when I wait/hope for other people’s approval. I commit myself to re-establish self acceptance by/through walking this process of self investigation with the tools of writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application. Within this, I commit myself to persist in physically, measurably, applying the tools of writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application in self honesty no matter what happens in my environment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior because of a past moment where I observed my mother looking at me like I was trash. When/as I see myself taking the words/expressions of people personally, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am the one creating my negative experience to/towards my mother, taking her expression personally. I Commit myself to investigate how I have designed this character that takes what is here personally, in another post to come.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to an experience of myself of the past, when I observed my mother looking at me like I was trash, and within this comparison conclude that I was not good enough continuing the way I was. When/as I see myself judging myself as this moment because of a memory of a past moment that I believed I had a more positive experience, I stop and I breathe. I Realise that memory is the building block of the Mind to convince me to continuously participate in thoughts/emotions/feelings as Energy, specifically without EVEN ONCE questioning where these thoughts come from. I commit myself to observe and specifically not participate in thoughts/emotions/feelings that arise in the moment because how can I even trust a single thought when I have no clue where this thought comes from.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that if I learnt better, I would be rewarded with even more positive energy experience that I relied on my mother to give to me through her smiling at me. When/as I see myself waiting for the ‘go signs’/encouragement of others for the desire to gain a positive experience, I stop and I breathe. I realise that who I am does not require a positive energy experience to substantiate/validate myself, so what I am possessing myself with is in fact the Mind of thoughts/emotions/feelings. I commit myself to apply the four count breath and delete every desire that comes up in the moment as thoughts, and to stop rushing for an outcome in my Mind to finally ground myself back HERE where HERE is the only point where I am able to practically create and live a real solution that is best for all: and the ‘best for all’ part is that rushing through this process is impossible, and can only be walked one point at a time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that I had a positive feeling because of my mother smiling at me. When/as I see myself waiting/hoping for others to interact with me positively, with smiles/laughter/enthusiasm, I stop and I breathe. I realise that for me to wait/hope for others to be positive to/towards me, I had to create the negative polarity of fear of others interacting with me negatively, as defined opposite to the positive indications I chase after in my Mind. I commit myself to investigate and finally stop chasing after ‘the light’/positive, to investigate the actual cause of the positive energy experience as the accumulation of the negative as investigating myself within the question: What have I defined of others to be negative in my own opinion that only exists because I created this opinion in my Mind?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become complacent with myself where I began waiting/hoping for my mother to smile/approve of me, separating me from my responsibility for the impact that my actions have – and how my accepted and allowed actions were responsible for my mother’s expression to/towards me. When/as I see myself separating the impact of my actions on myself and my world, to project it/abdicate responsibility outwards onto others – believing that others are the primary reason/cause for treating me the way they do – I stop and I breathe. I realise that who I am within myself and my word/world – reflected in each moment that I participate and what I participate in/pay attention to – is what creates the relationships I have with others, so ALL feedback/interaction I have with others – which includes people/events/circumstances/activities, everything that is here physically – is actually an interaction with myself as the parts I have separated myself from and projected outwards onto the pictured presentation of others, which I do only because I fear facing that part of myself. I commit myself to bring ALL observations of others and internally spoken words about others back to Self here, because what I chatter about within myself about others is actually always only involving myself. I realise that the chatter/backchat is an example of thoughts designed with the additional layer of automatic blaming of others for my own opinions/knowledge/information that I actually chose to be/become. Therefore I commit myself to utilise the backchat I have projected outwards onto others as a tool to investigate myself in my own reflection as others, and ask myself questions about that which I judge of others, standing up as the starting point of practically applying Self here with the tools of writing, self forgiveness, breath, and self corrective application to remain self directive rather than the Mind directing my decisions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself into a positive feeling, and further create another layer of separation when I began to wait/hope for the positive feeling to be bestowed onto me, which I interpreted my mother to be rewarding me with the positive feeling in the memory, when the only person capable of making me feel anything/experience anything is myself. When/as I see myself waiting/hoping for outside manifestations to give me something, I stop and I breathe. I realise that when I wait/hope for ANYTHING for myself or my world/word, I am deliberately ignoring and suppressing the words I am living/applying in reality with real consequences/effects, often through acceptances and allowances for the Mind to become ruler. I commit myself to stop the positive thinking as ‘waiting/hoping for something good to happen’ to instead shift my attention and participation to what I in fact physically participate in, to realise the words I am living out with consequences on myself and my world, and to change them one word/point at a time with writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that when I wait/hope for ANYTHING at all, this is an indication that I already knew from the very beginning that from my physical/real accumulation, I was undeserving of that which I am waiting/hoping for, so waiting/hoping is an indication of the Mind seeking to impose its opinions/knowledge/information onto reality as the Physical, which always ends up in consequences that I have to realign to what is best for all, and cycling endlessly and stupidly in negative experiences. When/as I see myself waiting/hope-ing for more, in having others give me more before myself giving more of myself as the Physical to myself as all as one and equal = myself AND my world, I stop and I breathe. I realise that it is absolutely impossible for the Mind to directly influence what is here in reality – as proven constantly and consistently when attempting to control others – , including the choices others make to give/not give. I realise that all intent to control/direct the choices of others, to give me more for example, is the Mind seeking to take/profit such that my attention is on taking and how much I can take, instead of learning from Life here as the air and water that give us the opportunity to live/express in this world, therefore I realise that when I am seeking control, I have already separated myself and fear myself not giving myself Life, and then what happens: I become obsessed about taking from others in a fear-driven approach to living as everything justified by the fearful statement “This is what I have to do to survive”, changing a moment of living to survival, taking from myself as others so what would I do as others do: not participate with the fearful being wherever possible. I commit myself to investigate the multiple methods of control I have created to manipulate others, and through applying myself here as breath and writing, realise the consequences I have created for everyone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become hyperaware and touchy of how much/how little others give to me, only hyperaware because in moments where others have given to me, I immediately freeze and fixate my entire participation/attention onto how much/how little, out of fear of being given too little for my contribution and fearing dying because of being given too little; not ‘profiting enough’. When/as I see myself immediately shift my attention from directing myself to apply myself here, to the question of give and take, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the consequences of thinking about ‘give and take’ as the fear generated, and how the more I think about giving and taking, the more fear is generated is already an indication that I am not supporting myself as physical living being, I am supporting fear because growth/accumulation always happens one point at a time, regardless of how quickly/slowly I perceive my participation. I Commit myself to investigate the exact specific detail of how I have justified the behaviour of participating in give and take from a starting point of fear.