Changing the study habits once and for all, by/through walking through one excuse at a time
I began to define studying according to capitulating when I started being more enticed by entertainment than studying, but then my mother did not accept or allow me to go that way. She used every form of fear and consequence she could imagine to stop me, and I wasn’t satisfied at all. I wasn’t satisfied because I realised exactly why I required to eat daily, but my mother and I could not realise the practicality of studying, and my mother resorted to fear to be the explanation.
But in fear of losing the support I had, I continued to study, athough reluctantly now: because from studying because it was here, I defined studying according to keeping my mother satisfied and willing to support me. What I capitulated to within myself was leaving the effects I was accumulating while studying, and from continuing to study ONLY because my mother got angry, studying ended up as a means to continue doing what I enjoyed.
Over time, the study process became lengthier and more intricate, and this led to revisiting the question, “Why am I studying so much?” In grade school, while lining up to receive a test or something, I asked myself why I was working so much for a high grade. Why was I being so careful and meticulous to get a high mark on a test, only to repeat the process a week later to get the same high mark? So the question I had about the effect I was accumulating when studying remained and something shifted when I judged myself that I was putting ‘too much care’ into getting high marks on tests, for a teacher to write a number on my test and to do this repeatedly weekly.
I stopped caring so much and studying less and less and my marks were proof of the less care I was placing into my work. Then the quality of my work meant that I had to work harder and longer because I was not so careful, so I would have to redo and reread passages. I was extremely angry when I began to struggle keeping the pace of study: and as I went up the grades, the more difficult and multiple the topics I required to study.
The increased time and increased difficulty was not enjoyable at all. I blamed my mother for not answering the question I had about the role of studying in this physical reality, and from then studying was defined according to capitulating; capitulating to forces I projected onto my world, like my mother, teachers, the curriculum, the way how each year meant more stuff to study, and more in-depth so more work I was not willing to place.