Continued from Day 106: Being Accepted
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in fear of being/becoming nothing when my mother as my primary relationship at the time had a possibility of failing. When/as I see myself fearing losing myself when/as a relationship is seen/realised/understood to be collapsing, I stop and breathe. I realise that the change within/as me is only real if I change within AND without, within this I realise that my pre-existing relationships collapsing is an indication that I am in fact changing. I commit myself to stop speeding up and reacting in fear to relationships in my world collapsing. I commit myself to instead direct myself through the fear by/through investigating and stopping the fear, meanwhile I do not accept or allow the fear to control specific decisions to change, and instead accumulate the moments of change into/as a manifested reality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in conscious mind thoughts about everything and everyone but myself, in this only fueling a delusional reliance on other people’s validation to believe that I exist as certain specific characters that I have adopted and copied out of personal gain alone. When/as I see myself seeking other people’s validation for me to validate my own characters, I stop and breathe. I realise that even when other people validate a character, only I alone am able to convince myself to give myself the permission to be/become the character and consume physicality to turn into Energy, therefore I realise that I am the solution to stopping the reliance on external validation because I am creating myself to have the reliance, and justifying through thoughts, backchat, imagination, and physical behaviours to continue to have the reliance. I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to remain apathetic and lazy in not facing the thoughts, backchat, imagination, and physical behaviours I have created because the only person that suffers as direct consequences of the laziness and deliberate apathy and claiming the laziness to be MY laziness and apathy is myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the belief that to change the relationships in my world I must play characters, by design ‘more’ than who I am to gain more positive relationships, that I believe would create the desired outcomes in my world. When/as I see myself playing characters to try and manipulate relationships to desired outcomes of self interest, I stop and breathe. I realise that characters alone do not determine the relationships that I have in my world, my relationship with myself determines the relationships in my world. I commit myself to stop playing characters from the starting point of controlling and manipulating the relationships in my world for personal gain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself by/through only seeing value in myself according to the specialness given to high marks/grades/achievements, and anything else of myself that cannot be categorized in these tables of values I deliberately ignore. When/as I see myself only valuing myself according to my own self interest of personal gain, I stop and breathe. I Realise that who I am is not just a collection of marks and grades in which I judge myself to be good/bad. I Commit myself to discard judging myself as good/bad, to accept myself and stand equal as myself, so that I may regain awareness and direct myself to what needs to be done to create a world that is best for all, which cannot be done alone or in a short period of time; and must be done as a group.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into characters that lived my life for me, such as in moments where I did not want to remain here and walk through an experience, I would abdicate directive principle to a character to pass the time ‘quicker’. When/as I see myself becoming uncomfortable/fearful such that I am tempted to allow an automated preprogrammed character to dominate for a moment – to pass time quicker or to not face myself for a moment – I stop and breathe. I realise that no stability is possible until I stop all Energy-generating activities, such as participating in thoughts/emotions/feelings, so when I not only have a cycle of energetic uncomfortability, but decide to fuel an additional cycle as a character, my experience of myself will obviously become more difficult as my attention to reality is given away to the Mind, while I float in my head alone in a positive feeling which I KNOW has no real significance to supporting anything in any way but a contrived creation as the Mind.