Day 113: Disappointed At Myself Means Disappointed At My World

This is a continuation from:
Day 106: Being Accepted
Day 107: Desire To Be Accepted
Day 109: Acceptance As Precursor To Manipulation
Day 110: Working Hard
Day 111: But The World Isn’t Accepting Me!
Day 112: Delving Into Acceptance Issues

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to panic and react in self judgment then backchat about what I possibly have done wrong in the past when I observed my mother remaining disappointed at me, and me reacting out of the reason/excuse/justification that I don’t know why my mother was disappointed at me. When/as I see myself fearing other people being disappointed of me, I stop and breathe. I realise that when I panic about anything, it is an indication that I have ‘lost’ myself in backchat and therefore must stabilise myself to direct myself because I either direct myself or I am directed by my thoughts/emotions/feelings. I commit myself to stop creating further consequence on the initial negative reaction to/towards disappointment, such as panicking, to instead stabilise myself in the physical reality and to deconstruct the negative reaction through writing, self forgiveness, and self commitment statements.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the belief that when I experience resistance within myself, it is apparently because the world is resisting who I am that defines what I do. When/as I see myself observing that my world is resisting who I am and/or what I am doing, I stop and breathe. I realise that EVERYTHING I observe of myself and my world is in fact me observing myself, because I am only able to understand that which I have already integrated within myself as knowledge/information. I commit myself to stop being self dishonest when I blame my experience of resistance on my world, when all I am capable of experiencing at the moment is myself as what I already understood/programmed into myself, as the multiple ideas about myself and my world. Within this I commit myself to stop giving away my power to direct myself, where I always end up ‘constricted’ and unable to move when I blame others and even myself in participating in thoughts/emotions/feelings about myself, instead of seeing what requires to be realigned and immediately correct myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to/towards my own accepted and allowed living behaviour/habits/patterns when I realise how I am the one creating my experience in myself, and how I have been the one compromising and abusing others through applying the behaviour/habit/pattern without investigating the consequences of the behaviour/habit/pattern, and making an evaluation of whether the behaviour is best for all or not. When/as I see myself reacting to/towards my own ignorance, such as the moment when I realise that I have been the one compromising and abusing what is here by keeping personal behaviours, I stop and breathe. I Realise that I only create further consequences when I do anything and everything BUT immediately forgive myself to correct and change the behaviour to what is best for all, therefore I realise the stupidity of reacting to/towards my own behaviour/habits/patterns because basically I make the same mistake of deliberate ignorance when I separate/distance myself from the behaviour – wherein the first time I did not look at all and this time I am finding and creating an excuse to not look such as a horrified, disgusted, scared emotion – instead of embracing what I have accepted and allowed, because time gone is gone/consequences manifested are already manifested, and ’till here no further: I do NOT accept or allow myself to abuse or compromise with this behaviour any longer.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be disappointed at myself because I interpret my entire world to be disappointed at me, and the only way to prove that I am disappointed apparently because if I don’t, my world will reject me and spite me, was to backchat against myself and adopt unconfident behaviour that alludes to my disappointment. When/as I see myself participating in a behaviour such as being disappointed at myself, that is clearly not what is best for all, I stop and breathe. I realise that I am threatening myself if I do not react in disappointment of myself, NOT my world, and within this I realise that participating in a behaviour that is clearly not what is best for everyone, is an indication that somewhere between my ‘shameful’ action and being disappointed at myself, I am fulfilling some point of self interest that is mine: why else would I accept anything less than what is best for everyone. I Commit myself to investigate the point of self interest that I have conveniently forgotten, yet clearly have not because the hidden point is a consistent external force that I have placed within me, to maintain the feeling that being disappointed at myself is apparently the ‘right thing’ to do for my survival.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the belief that when my world is reacting in disappointment to/towards who I am and/or what I do, that I must also be disappointed at myself or else the support I receive from my world will be immediately taken away, for the single reason that I was not disappointed at myself. When/as I see myself running through the excuse/justification in my backchat about how my world is apparently threatening me to be disappointed OR ELSE, I stop and breathe. I realise that I do not actually understand the entirety of how/why the relationships in my world are supporting me, therefore to jump to the conclusion that everything will stop supporting me if I do not be disappointed at myself is a delusion that I must not participate in. I commit myself to stop jumping to conclusions about myself and/or my world, when I clearly have not fully investigated the relationships, to instead remain stable within/as the realisation that I have not investigated, but what is best for all IS the best for all, so I commit myself to practically assess the consequences of my behaviour and only apply that which has the potential of living what is best for all: being disappointed at myself is not what is best for all because the feeling itself does not do ANYTHING except conjure a delusion about myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take my mother’s disappointment at me personally in a past moment when I went to grade school and her relationship with me changed. When/as I see myself blaming myself when a relationship changes without seeing/realising/understanding how I have created this change, I stop and breathe. I realise that blaming myself for anything will not lead me to understand my part within the relationship, and how I have created this change. I commit myself to not participate in any reaction about the situation, to instead remain consistent and stable in my participation in the relationship.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to alter and modify myself as my habits/patterns/personality of myself on beliefs I have made about what I THINK my mother wanted/expected from me, based on really vague behaviour and interactions that kind of hinted at what she wanted, yet she never really spoke about it and when I did ask why she was disappointed, she did not allow herself to speak about it. When/as I see myself altering/modifying myself as my habits/patterns and behaviour based on beliefs, rather than understanding what is here and my part within what is here, I stop and breathe. I realise that I am placing myself in harm’s way when I move away from self application here, to basing my actions on beliefs about what I think is here. I commit myself to make sure that my actions are based on what I already physically understand of my relationship with myself and my world, such as the basic ‘what is best for all IS best for all’ common sense, and in this I commit myself to make sure that my actions are not motivated by fear, and if they are, to investigate within myself to stop the fear point with the tools of writing, self forgiveness, and self commitments.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the belief that giving to another as I would like to receive meant altering/modifying myself in every way necessary to be/become what the other person expresses as what they want. When/as I see myself altering/modifying myself as my habits/patterns/behaviours/personality to try to please another person or a group of people, I stop and breathe. I realise that I am not giving as I would like to receive when I change myself to literally try and mirror the other person’s desires, I am ‘giving’ what I think the other person would like to receive, indicating a separation and ignorance of what is here as myself that I must correct because I am the one that is ignorant, not the other person. I Commit myself to stop rushing to find an action to apply, such as changing my behaviour/habits/patterns on a belief, to instead only apply an action that I have measurably and self honestly realised to be something I am able to live, that will stand for/as what is best for all, according to the practical manifested consequences that I have assessed and see/realise/understand to NOT be a debate at all, but an investigation of the reality that is already here and manifested.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the belief that to progress and mature, I must always want ‘more’ from myself, more results to monetize into achievements and high marks and emotional satisfaction. When/as I see myself treating my own participation as something to monetize and convert into rewards of self gain alone, I stop and breathe. I realise that Life is already here and provided to everyone for free already, and to dedicate my life to converting my life as my participation into rewards of profit in a system of profit, like exchanging tokens for rewards displayed in a carnival after playing a game, is like deliberately devaluing Life and valuing profit, where even the profit is a manmade thing that is based on what Life has given for free.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the belief that I cannot accept myself because I have not mastered the way to monetize my participation into many kinds of profit to basically hit the jackpot as what people with lots of money represent, as the businessmen and professionals and artists and scientists whose profit is overwhelming, from the perspective of having way more money than required to live a comfortable life, with more businessmen waiting to sell a luxurious life where delusional desires begin to be valued more than necessity. When/as I see myself not accepting myself because of not profiting enough from my daily participation and labour, I stop and breathe. I realise that to connect my physical participation to profit is already indicating that I am comparing myself as my participation to other people whom I believe/perceive to be gaining ‘more’ from their participation than I am.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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