Below is an expansion of Day 121: Me First!!!! and Day 122: Winners Are Simply Willing to Do What Losers Don’t
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself to be first in as many categories as possible.”
“When/as I see myself driving myself to get first place, be one of the ‘first ones’, I stop and breathe. I realise that the physical process of “getting first” as improving the quality of my work, involves my relationship towards myself alone and therefore coveting what others have is greed where I in fact ignore facing myself for obsessing about what others have. I commit myself to face my relationship towards myself within/as work in general, instead of avoiding myself within/as obsessing about what others have, how I may copy others to get what they have faster for myself apparently. I commit myself to improve the quality of myself as a product according to means and methods that, if seen/revealed/exposed, they are methods that everyone can apply without shame.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more skills/abilities I excel in, to be/become first/one of the first, the more peaceful and secure my life will be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that the peace and security of my own survival depends on how skilled I am, the quality of labour I provide.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that peace and security is an experience, based on how I feel in myself alone, instead of understanding that real peace and security is from a real cause: consistent participation in daily activities that directly accumulate to outcomes where I am in a position to walk a physical point, the same way I have to prepare the ingredients before I can cook anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach peace and security to being and remaining first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do everything it takes to remain first, in this specifically glossing over my own common sense of what should be done, when what it takes clearly does not benefit anyone but myself as an energetic experience alone in my own head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the stability of my self-relationship according to being first compared to others, in this not seeing/realising/understanding that the instant I compare myself to OTHERS, I am not directing my SELF relationship, I am following a jealous competition I create between “me” and “them”/”they”/”you”.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that when I want to be first I am indicating to myself that I am still competing against others and I am not bringing my attention back to my relationship with myself.
When/as I see myself driving myself to get first place, be one of the ‘first ones’, I stop and breathe. I realise that my attention is over ‘there’ in my opinions about others, I am not here because I am still imagining myself on a scale of ‘1 to 10’. I commit myself to stop the race against myself to improve my own skills. I commit myself to stop defining my skills as a weapon to use against all resistance to be first. I commit myself to develop my skills according to a principle of giving, so instead of excelling at a skill to “fight the best” and be first, I excel at a skill because this is who I am because I am walking the processes necessary breath-by-breath to excel at this point.