Day 124: When Is Competition Unworthy?

Please read Day 121: Me First!!!! and Day 122: Winners Are Simply Willing to Do What Losers Don’t  for context

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth and self image according to how many categories I rank first in.”

“When/as I see myself judging myself because of how I rank up to others or how others rank me, I stop and breathe. I realise that I cannot be ranked until I decide to place myself on an imaginary scale, therefore when I rank myself = I am the perpetrator of my unpleasant experience; when others rank me = I am the perpetrator of my experience. I commit myself to slow down and breathe to stop participating/fuelling the unpleasant experience. I commit myself to write out the actual boundaries of responsibility between my actions and other people’s actions to specifically prevent me from creating consequences from mixing my opinions with what is here and acting on my opinions with no understanding of my position in my world, such as what others will have to do according to my actions.”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I fuel the self definition that I am jealous of what others have and therefore covet what others have when/as I act out the belief that I want to be first in as many facets as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that when I am first, I will not be harrassed by jealousy, comparison, and competition ever again, in this completely ignoring the fact that since I compete to be/become first, I reap what I sow: more competition, I will need to give more of myself to competing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise the vicious cycle of competing I trap myself in when I compete to be first, expect stability after creating much instability in other people through various forms of pushing and shoving, and stubbornly believe that I must remain first to remain a valid human being worth investing money in, so that I ensure my own survival at the very least.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that although sometimes, I do ‘more than I usually would do’ to get first, I would be able to ‘balance’ my sins with favours and material presents: while I possess first place and all of the benefits that the world system bestows on the best as people who achieve first; not so different as religious leaders bestowing benefits on the people that follow the scriptures the best according to the religious leader’s interpretation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be forgiven if I give everything else away, but the title I had viciously fought for myself as “First”/”Best”/”One of the best” and the benefits that have been attached to having this title.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have been implying that I am only worth something to myself if I viciously attack and defend the position of being first, when I attach my self worth to being/becoming first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that first place is the smallest minority that exists, and in a world where winner takes all, this is a huge problem because what about everyone else, what will they have left when I take all, and we require the same things?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I stand as the cause of extreme frustration if I ever reach first through violence because I am not the only person in the world that believes and hopes this title will solve everything basically, and me tightly holding onto the title of first in my Mind also means that I am deceiving others to be frustrated in the category of ‘everyone else’, imposing the exact negative experience that drove me to become first in the first place, only this time I am actively supporting the make-believe that being first is the “ultimate state of evolution” of a human being now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my self worth and self image from the experience I create within others when I am interacting with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that self worth and self image comes from positive beliefs about myself and what I have done, which are expressed as a stream of thoughts about how well I have done, how successful I am at X, I am done and now I can rest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that self worth and self image is about what I do, who I am, what points I am directing, what points am I correcting, with evidence of each point clearly here as my world and as myself as how I interact with every part of my world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that self worth and self image that’s real must comprise of what I participate in daily, and in this every breath and every moment accumulates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being hardworking according to my self worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that when I am hardworking and I receive no reward whatsoever from my world, my entire world is forcing me to diminish my self worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that being hardworking can never be an expression of who I am, and being hardworking always means there is a reward somewhere in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to believe that I need constant rewards to remain hardworking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I remain hardworking with no rewards, I am wasting my time doing something with no effect apparently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hardworking according to a memory of being told that being hardworking with no payoff means you’re being used, where I saw this situation already happening and instead of looking at my participation, I reacted by jumping to the conclusion that I must stop being hardworking to stop the pain of being used.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger in the memory when I jumped to the conclusion that I was being used according to the knowledge/information that “being hardworking with no payoff is a waste and leaves you vulnerable to be used.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my self worth based on what other people say about me alone, without ever daring to investigate if what they say exposes/reveals what I am doing/not doing to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my self worth to the worth I am to others, according to their opinions of me, and then believe that what other people judge me to be is who I am accepted and allowed to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that who I am is exclusively defined by what others say/think about me because if they don’t think I am diligent, I am not allowed to be diligent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place importance on what other people say about me to determine my life and who I am, instead of realising that I also decide who I am according to what I accept and allow myself to do, interact, and say.

When/as I see myself judging myself because of how I rank up to others or how others rank me, I stop and breathe. I realise that whatever my rank, I remain absolutely responsible for myself and no matter where I am, the only possibility to change is this moment here. I commit myself to stop discriminating against myself according to rank, to instead see/realise/understand that no matter what rank I am, I am here.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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3 Responses to Day 124: When Is Competition Unworthy?

  1. Pingback: Day 125: Effects of Competition On Health | Kasper's Journey To Life

  2. Pingback: Day 126: Sneaky Movement During Competition | Kasper's Journey To Life

  3. Pingback: Day 127: Self Esteem Within Competition | Kasper's Journey To Life

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