Feedback with self commitment statement in the previous post:
I stopped attaching fear to studying, now I am facing a layer of resistance that I had been suppressing with fear. So a further self commitment is to realise within myself when I in fact have a moment to study, take a breath, and apply myself for the amount of time required. At the same time understanding that studying is not boiling an egg, I must be prepared to apply myself according to my actual ability and pace I can work at, provided that I am in fact applying myself fully to the task within the time interval. The studying will not be completed by itself magically.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the belief that working most of the time meant that I was denying myself the ability to work myself out in common sense, as what to do and not do.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I remain here when I am working most of the time, therefore my ability to apply common sense remain here even if I work all day with no rest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that when I work all day, I will be too tired to apply my common sense and be forced to accept suggestions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I am vulnerable to suggestions when I have worked all day, become so tired to “not be able to” decide, and as such allow myself to follow through suggestions without any assesment whatsoever.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear of being deceived to studying diligently, out of the excuse/justification that the easiest way to deceive someone is to convince someone to do a task with all of their attention invested in that task.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that people are able to deceive me with means that I can never fathom out of the excuse/justification that there will always be smarter people than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in my imagination, set myself up to be apparently doomed to be in a position where I will deceive myself to the benefit of another, by/through dreading the possibility of a smarter person deciding to con me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise the moment of new opportunity here that I am in fact wasting every single instant I preoccupy myself with imagination such as the imagined playout of a person tricking me, in this denying myself the joy of even my own company in this moment here to instead decide to stress myself out in my imagination with my free choice.
When/as I see myself fearing being deceived when I am applying myself more effectively/in-depth in my studies, I stop and breathe. I realise that my ‘increasing performance’ in studying is only an effect of daily consistent effort, therefore my fear is a product of imagination that I have automated to trigger and in that moment, I am actually faced with a choice to expand to become more than my self imposed limitations or accept and argue for them. I commit myself to stop and breathe, when fear comes up during studying, to see/realise/understand the consequences if I choose to participate further in the fear. If I do, I’m arguing for my limitations and I deny myself the opportunity to establish consistency within myself to study daily. If I don’t and continue to study, I give myself an opportunity to see beyond the limited view I have allowed myself to see AND I get to keep the effects of daily study.
When/as I see myself fearing being vulnerable to forms of manipulation, I stop and breathe. I realise that there is only one way for others to deceive me, and that is when I deceive myself, through showing myself only what I want to see. I commit myself to realise that I am facing a point of self honesty; can I trust myself to apply critical thinking skills to all points, such as the words other people say in context. Therefore I commit myself to stop the illusion of uncertainty that I created in my imagination when thinking about others maybe deceiving me, and to stop thinking about it, to instead apply myself here to practice my critical thinking skills to prevent being deceived as best as I can: to realise that I am responsible for understanding what is spoken to me and about me.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that because my environment is capable of dictating my decisions, that any power I am given is ‘fake’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that my thought, word, and deed was proven to be powerless when my school environment dictated that I must either follow the path laid out, or be casted out immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up applying myself in thought, word, and deed out of the excuse that my environment has already proven how ‘weak’ my decision is, it would be useless to ‘go against the flow’ of what my environment is pushing me to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear to/towards me as my environment.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define studying according to submitting to an opinion, in the belief that I will die if I do not agree and I am not given the time or skills to apply common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the word ‘studying’ to a past memory where I felt forced to study, because if I don’t I will not have access to enough money, I will be casted out to a difficult life, and when I asked about studying I was given hope and waiting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define studying according to violent suppression of any other opinion but the majority’s opinion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that if I study at the demand of the education system and it’s context in the job system, I am making a choice I do not like = doing something just because someone tells you to and threatens you with death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define studying according to an imagined scene of a person in authority pointing a knife at my throat, saying that if I do not agree and not only agree, but devote a vast majority of my life to studying, and later on to working endlessly, I am a dead man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the point when someone not only demands for my agreement, but equally demands that I mould and shape my behaviour and personality to support a system without any investigation of what I am doing in my name.
When/as I see myself interpreting studying to be some kind of symbolic act of submitting to pure violence, I stop and breathe. I realise that in the physical act of studying, all that is really here is paper with knowledge/information and myself, and studying is the process of establishing my relationship to the knowledge/information. I commit myself to stop the relationship between studying and being tossed aside, to instead see studying as a physical action like brushing my teeth.