The past self forgiveness statements and self commitments aren’t specific enough because I wasn’t using a structure that supported more specific application. I underestimated how I support myself with the writing phase, and the previous writing was rambling about the past if I didn’t write everything else.
I started out stable -extremely quiet within me. At some point I began noticing that many demands were made of me, from my family because I was with them the most. The first turning point was a moment when I believed that I was not normal – I had to react in some way to the demands to ‘communicate’ with the person – I noticed that if I didn’t react and just spoke after, people would accuse me of not listening, being slow, stupid, dumb, slow witted, many names.
The point of aloneness and abandonment kicked in when I switched schools, and suddenly my world changed; my mother suddenly had a set of expectations from me, and I felt a responsibility to meet them. One day my mother had an outburst and this time – not all the other times – I reacted in fear when she turned back and began walking away. From that moment I decided based on the fear – reacted – silently agreeing that I will do whatever it takes to not have this internal shock of fear.
As time went by, my attention shifted from stability within/as myself, my human physical body, to relationships: where is my place in the world, what are the relationships I already have. I enjoyed talking with other people, being with them, but when I asked myself how do I keep the communication stable and open, I didn’t have an answer. At the same time, my relationships were gradually shifting to using symbols like TV shows and situations and past events as mediators to communicate, rather than speaking to each other. I did not enjoy this, and from intoxicating myself with energy throughout this timeline of events in the background, I was not aware of the process I walked to define my relationships into what was described: knowledge, you won’t get personal with me and I won’t get personal with you, this is my territory and if you tread you will pay the consequences kind of deduced rules.
The aloneness/abandonment point came up when I was not copying habits/patterns such as the relationship point quickly enough – in the eyes of many around me, I was lagging behind and I have even overheard questions if I was retarded. The alarming point is when I stood my ground and not changed, my relationships in my world somehow sensed this and beared down on me: so one day I would speak to a person and the communcation would suddenly be very strained and formal. I freaked out when this happened because by this time, I was certain that if I didn’t have any relationships, I will die because I require relationships to survive. In this fear reaction, I did not investigate all things and instead followed the crowd, with my eyes closed – the excuse was that I didn’t know what to do now, so I will do what I ‘have to do’ now to keep being a part of my world. Also note that all of this happened before I was 13. Children are not stupid.