This is part of a series to understand a character I’ve been accepting and allowing to define my life for me:
“Your Memory is Selective. Your Memory is by your Own Design. Your Memory is to Justify what you’re Doing. Your Memory Creates for you – what you Want to Hear.” – http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-312-children-of-law-of-one-part-four.html
Basically, I created a narrative that specifically justify my own limitations – this memory I am deconstructing included and all memories I remember. In this memory, I created what I wanted to hear: I created the abandonment character because I felt abandoned by my environment (blame) and was seeking for revenge by/through chasing for personalized definitions of the opposite of the fear of abandonment.
Some personalized definitions – let’s call it the pursuit of happiness – include only what I have to gain from what is here: skills, personalities, appearances, behaviours, reactions, mannerisms, methods to systematically deceive myself from the shame of consuming my own life and abusing the world for glamour/fame/glory/greatness. But what do I have to give?
This memory specifically – using fear of being abnormal to manipulate myself to compete – was part of a narrative, used to justify why, in the physical reality that has never changed its laws, I was ‘teetering’ in knowing who I am, where I am in my world. Finally, to convince myself that I had a reason/excuse to feel abandoned, yet even in my selected memories I prove to me – I have always been here, already understanding the consequences with no education required…
I justified abandoning the equal and one functioning that I am part of, the group that I co exist with as all Life. Fear became the excuse to ignore other’s life to emphasize and become obsessed with my own. The guide to Life has remained here as all Life, and the problem is I chose to pretend that there wasn’t a guide and I had to wait to receive an education, develop abilities, personalities, anything but realising the Life I was given, when did I give back?