Day 141: What Does A List Mean To You?

This post is continued from:

Rewards

– One step towards re-establishing stability in who I am

– Stop another point of fear

– Remove another layer where I have justified compromising myself

– Stop participating in the feeling of abandonment, realise that I am always here to support myself through change

– One step closer to enjoying myself in my physical reality, instead of constantly worrying and fretting

– Bring back all points to Self, so I stop justifying worrying and fretting

– Freeing myself to focus more on the actual real time walking of what needs to be done daily

– Stop fuelling the behaviour of constantly worrying what others are doing, to instead bring myself back here where my actions and the consequences I am always able to direct, so even with an uncertain environment I am able to be certain about how I respond

– Enjoy a simpler life

Now moving onto the next moment in the timeline of events:

“The point of aloneness and abandonment kicked in when I switched schools, and suddenly my world changed; my mother suddenly had a set of expectations from me, and I felt a responsibility to meet them. One day my mother had an outburst and this time – not all the other times – I reacted in fear when she turned back and began walking away. From that moment I decided based on the fear – reacted – silently agreeing that I will do whatever it takes to not have this internal shock of fear.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when my mother was walking away from me in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I will die if I am abandoned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I am losing myself, when/as I saw my mother walking away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I lose myself when/as others decide to be my friend, then decide to leave.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I remain here no matter what happens: the whole world can leave and I will not lose myself, I will not lose my ability to make decisions for myself and direct my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that if I do not fulfill an implied list of responsibilities by a deadline, my life will be taken away from me, instead of realising that in the moment here, all that remain is myself, not a list of responsibilities from now until death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a list of responsibility as tasks that I must accomplish or be rejected by myself and be forever unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself in my imagination, from the past to the future, by/through constantly imagining a list of tasks that I must accomplish as a matter of survival, that I depend on completing this list or else I will not be supported by the world and left to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that my life is determined by a list, when/as I fear not completing the imaginary list I fabricated on time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with myself as if I constantly have a list beside me, that if I do not tick all of the tasks, I will apparently lose myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that my participation in a moment is NOT a list of tasks, let alone a list of tasks with the condition that if I do not tick all of the tasks, I will be sentenced to die.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am creating a list in my imagination and superimposing it on reality, to justify my experience of constant worry and stress of being abandoned if I do not complete this list.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that the list would not exist if I did not pay so much attention to this list, so the list is my own creation and is NOT real because the moment I stop paying attention, the list disappears from my view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself to recognize what needs to be done, by simply remaining here in reality because what needs to be done is not a matter of memory, but physical manifested consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self responsibility for doing what needs to be done, to a list that I commit to memory – within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise the obsessive and constant attention that I give to the list, specifically to make sure the list does not disappear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project anxiety and fear to/towards a list, and then blame the list by blaming myself for not completing the list.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse a list by/through using lists as triggers to trigger myself into a survival mode.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value a list over the actual life I am living when/as I choose to pay attention to a list over paying attention to my participation in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having an idea as knowledge/information about my future, so much that I act on this fear by/through creating a list to remind me and activate thoughts about my future, to fulfill my desire of having a stable secure future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to symbolize the future with the idea of a list of responsibilities that I must complete by the end of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tacitly place myself in a position where I am here, while the list requires always that I become more because I defined the list according to the past as beliefs of what adults should take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fix myself into a loop where I constantly chase after responsibilities that I clearly am not in a position to fulfill as a living example, in this tacitly participating in the desire to be/become more always, so I always feel ‘less’ when I remain here with myself.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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6 Responses to Day 141: What Does A List Mean To You?

  1. Pingback: Day 142: It’s Complicated | Kasper's Journey To Life

  2. Pingback: Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182 | Anna's Journey to Life

  3. Pingback: Day 143: Too Busy Competing To Value My Human Body | Kasper's Journey To Life

  4. Pingback: Day 144: Abandonment is a Sin That Leads to Ineffective Relationships | Kasper's Journey To Life

  5. Pingback: Day 148: Copying Behaviour To Avoid Resentment | Kasper's Journey To Life

  6. Pingback: Day 149: Moulding To Fit The Mould And Avoid Conflict | Kasper's Journey To Life

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