This post is continued from:
- Day 136: Abandonment/Aloneness Character, Introduction
- Day 137: Abandonment Character, Problem
- Day 138: What’s Wrong With Reacting?
- Day 139: Normal as Group Psychology
- Day 140: Solutions To Birth Supportive Norms
- Day 141: What Does A List Mean To You?
I commit myself to when and as I fear not completing a list, to stop and breathe. I realise that the only tasks that matter are the tasks that I remain aware of when I remain here, and that I am fuelling a story that I make up in my mind if I continue fearing not completing a list. I commit myself to stop imagining lists where I attach my self worth to these lists, to instead remain here and accept and allow myself to enjoy the physical process of doing what needs to be done and simply participating in this physical reality.
I commit myself to when and as I am competing against myself by/through ticking off tasks on a list, to stop and breathe. I realise that it is useless to compete against myself in my mind, and when I compete against myself or others, I become the cause of my own uneasiness about competition, how everyone is always at each other’s throats. I commit myself to bring myself back here with breathing and to stop being at my throat judging my performance from a starting point of wanting to be first. I Commit myself to stop chasing to become first, to realise that when it comes to aligning my thoughts, words, and deeds to what is best for all, I am here to do this.
Moving onto the next event I described in my introduction
Inferiority to relationships
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exchange physical stability – remaining aware of the absolute consistency that physical reality allows – for internalized, idealized mind realities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my relationships from my relationship with my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationships according to a mystical art that many books are written, but is never entirely understood yet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as ‘inferior’ to handling relationships because experts that dedicate their entire life to studying relationships still don’t understand the key to effective relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘less than’ the relationships I already formed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘less than’ the task of investigating my own accepted and allowed relationships to/towards others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own relationships out of the excuse that I don’t even understand how I form my own relationships, yet I am clearly forming them consistently,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that since I am unable to explain in words how my relationships are in their current state, yet I am constantly maintaining them to remain the same, I am facing a foreign force within me that I do not understand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as the part within/as me that is automatically managing my relationships, such that instead of digging within myself to understand that part of me, I abdicated responsibility by deluding myself into thinking that I am inferior to my relationships.