Day 149: Moulding To Fit The Mould And Avoid Conflict

This post is continued from:

• Day 136: Abandonment/Aloneness Character, Introduction
• Day 137: Abandonment Character, Problem
• Day 138: What’s Wrong With Reacting?
• Day 139: Normal as Group Psychology
• Day 140: Solutions To Birth Supportive Norms
• Day 141: What Does A List Mean To You?
• Day 142: It’s Complicated
• Day 143: Too Busy Competing To Value My Human Body
• Day 145: What is a Friendship?
• Day 146: Friend Potential
• Day 147: Will You Agree When I Copy You Then?
• Day 148: Copying Behaviour To Avoid Resentment

“…when I stood my ground and not changed, my relationships in my world somehow sensed this and beared down on me: so one day I would speak to a person and the communcation would suddenly be very strained and formal. I freaked out when this happened because by this time, I was certain that if I didn’t have any relationships, I will die because I require relationships to survive. In this fear reaction, I did not investigate all things and instead followed the crowd, with my eyes closed – the excuse was that I didn’t know what to do now, so I will do what I ‘have to do’ now to keep being a part of my world.” – from the introduction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not changing as ‘bad’/’negative’ out of the excuse that conflict is extremely unpleasant and excruciating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when/as I did not change, people began to constantly call me names.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people calling me names by/through imagining them abandoning me, and according to the belief that if people abandon me, I will have no relationships and therefore no way of making money, I concluded that I must keep people in relationship with me at all cost, because “if I did not survive, what’s the point of principle.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define principle according to my survival, where I only become principled when I perceive my survival to be guaranteed – which is never.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate ideas of ‘principle’ and ‘survival’ to in the end, justify pursuing my own self interest as what I like to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that standing for a principle is impossible because of three points: I have to survive first, I have to avoid conflict, and other people dictate what I can and can’t do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define standing for a principle according to self interest, when/as I abandon principle for profit, as the “dazzling” opportunity to experience ‘more’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only stand for principles if I perceive myself to be gaining something from standing for/as a principle.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that maybe when I stand for a principle, there is no energetic rush like with chasing after secret desires in my Mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tacitly accept the belief that the ONLY means to survive is through networks of relationships, when/as I acted on the fear that triggered when people were calling me names more often, in this ignoring the fact that my participation as my work is also a factor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define survival as only relationships with other people according to how much they like me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that my relationship with other people includes the work that I do for others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that my relationship with others is a reflection of my relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to establish a hostile relationship with myself, and then project this hostile relationship to others out of fear of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for losing a relationship with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself losing my own survival chances when/as I lose a single relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the fact that to a certain extent, my life is in the hands of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that what other people do to me trumps what I do for myself every time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a value based on polarity onto my own work, where I give more value to my relationship with others than my self commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my own work for myself as ‘less’ than the relationships I have with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my relationship to my own labour from the relationship that I have with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that relationships are complicated that requires a library of knowledge/information to direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a position where I have to produce results on one hand, but do not know how on the other hand because of the belief that relationships are complicated and require knowledge/information before being able to create harmonious relationships.

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