Day 149: Moulding To Fit The Mould And Avoid Conflict

This post is continued from:

“…when I stood my ground and not changed, my relationships in my world somehow sensed this and beared down on me: so one day I would speak to a person and the communcation would suddenly be very strained and formal. I freaked out when this happened because by this time, I was certain that if I didn’t have any relationships, I will die because I require relationships to survive. In this fear reaction, I did not investigate all things and instead followed the crowd, with my eyes closed – the excuse was that I didn’t know what to do now, so I will do what I ‘have to do’ now to keep being a part of my world.” – from the introduction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not changing as ‘bad’/’negative’ out of the excuse that conflict is extremely unpleasant and excruciating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when/as I did not change, people began to constantly call me names.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people calling me names by/through imagining them abandoning me, and according to the belief that if people abandon me, I will have no relationships and therefore no way of making money, I concluded that I must keep people in relationship with me at all cost, because “if I did not survive, what’s the point of principle.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define principle according to my survival, where I only become principled when I perceive my survival to be guaranteed – which is never.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate ideas of ‘principle’ and ‘survival’ to in the end, justify pursuing my own self interest as what I like to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that standing for a principle is impossible because of three points: I have to survive first, I have to avoid conflict, and other people dictate what I can and can’t do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define standing for a principle according to self interest, when/as I abandon principle for profit, as the “dazzling” opportunity to experience ‘more’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only stand for principles if I perceive myself to be gaining something from standing for/as a principle.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that maybe when I stand for a principle, there is no energetic rush like with chasing after secret desires in my Mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tacitly accept the belief that the ONLY means to survive is through networks of relationships, when/as I acted on the fear that triggered when people were calling me names more often, in this ignoring the fact that my participation as my work is also a factor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define survival as only relationships with other people according to how much they like me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that my relationship with other people includes the work that I do for others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that my relationship with others is a reflection of my relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to establish a hostile relationship with myself, and then project this hostile relationship to others out of fear of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for losing a relationship with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself losing my own survival chances when/as I lose a single relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the fact that to a certain extent, my life is in the hands of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that what other people do to me trumps what I do for myself every time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a value based on polarity onto my own work, where I give more value to my relationship with others than my self commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my own work for myself as ‘less’ than the relationships I have with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my relationship to my own labour from the relationship that I have with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that relationships are complicated that requires a library of knowledge/information to direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a position where I have to produce results on one hand, but do not know how on the other hand because of the belief that relationships are complicated and require knowledge/information before being able to create harmonious relationships.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.

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