I understand that in my deconstruction of my own past, I am missing out some parts while including others. Thankfully, the Journey To Life blogging is for getting this shit out to take self responsibility.
One part of denying myself consistency is overwhelmingness, so deconstructing this character.
When I was in kindergarten all I sensed obviously was my immediate surroundings, and what facts I did accumulate were inconsequential and did not require me to act in any way. Overwhelmingness started when I was in grade school.
At first I was displeased how I was placing all of myself into one point – studies – without one coherent answer as to why, only vague answers like ‘this is for your future’, ‘you have to do this’, ‘this is the only way/way of the world’. And at grade school was when the demands from me were becoming extremely specific, where getting a high mark on an exam meant placing hours of time on knowledge/information that I had no interest in, and within this: all people did not give me a clear answer as to the use of this knowledge/information I was pouring hours over hours of memorizing and reading over and over and over again.
My mother continuously pushed, but one point nagged at me: doing one thing zealously was how cults were formed and how people deceive themselves. If I am to put all of myself into a task, I must understand the entire context as to why I am doing something, what is the use, how is this preparing myself exactly, for what exactly. And this was an answer that I simply did not receive no matter how many times I asked, who I asked. Everywhere I asked, I was either given vague answers or they would react and become extremely angry at me for asking.
So my mother continuously pushing, but me being extremely wary, not wanting to place everything of myself because I could be brainwashing me (though, that’s what I was doing to myself anyway). I found that I could stop the pressure when I acted hard working, showed all the appearances of being hard working to my mother, and one critical part was to be overwhelmed while doing something. I did not realise that I would have to repeat pretending like this for many times over, because my mother would constantly push for more from me, more high marks basically.
Another point was the nauseating repetition of the same pattern of preparing for a test, and doing them, all about knowledge/information with questionable usefulness. Preparing for a test was not just that; it was pouring over books for hours each day, only to have more stuff that I am ignorant in and have to repeat the process all over. Strikingly I found my time being ‘eaten up’ by school, and I was in a knot: I had to walk these steps because ‘it was the only way to stay in the club’, but I couldn’t ignore my own doubt.
I wasn’t pleased with how I was placing my effort into this test, just for a mark out of one hundred and have to repeat proving myself as worthy ad nauseum. I knew that the one point that did or undid my path at school was marks. So in my imagination I was like constantly being dangled in a pit of fire, being told to show my credentials ad nauseum by copying and pasting useless facts and information, which I now know to be useless. Pit of fire because if I failed enough times, a single digit number of fails compared to innumerable amount of passes, I would be ruthlessly kicked out of ‘my future‘, which I was convinced by my mother that school was the only way to ‘lead a normal life’.
At grade school was when I felt like I was being constantly poked and prodded through tests, exams, measures of excellence to see the performance of my mind and how I compare to everyone else. I felt strip searched mentally with all the tests and in this, a form of trust violated. Instead of being trusted to do everything it takes to do what needs to be done, I’m now constantly being screened for any inconsistencies and inadequacies = unpleasant. Unpleasant also because I couldn’t say ‘no’, because everything but the input expected from me was valued and all flows of information were adamant that ‘school is the only way’.