Day 155: Pressure to Succeed

From Day 154: Overwhelm Yourself to Control Yourself

“My mother continuously pushed, but one point nagged at me: doing one thing zealously was how cults were formed and how people deceive themselves. If I am to put all of myself into a task, I must understand the entire context as to why I am doing something, what is the use, how is this preparing myself exactly, for what exactly. And this was an answer that I simply did not receive no matter how many times I asked, who I asked. Everywhere I asked, I was either given vague answers or they would react and become extremely angry at me for asking.

So my mother continuously pushing, but me being extremely wary, not wanting to place everything of myself because I could be brainwashing me (though, that’s what I was doing to myself anyway). I found that I could stop the pressure when I acted hard working, showed all the appearances of being hard working to my mother, and one critical part was to be overwhelmed while doing something. I did not realise that I would have to repeat pretending like this for many times over, because my mother would constantly push for more from me, more high marks basically.”

Event

Mother pushing me to study hard

Thought

“Why is my mother pushing me to do this, when I asked her why and she doesn’t even know?”

“How can I do my best when my parents say that the stuff at school is kind of useless?”

What if something is brainwashing me, through placing many routines onto me, as I am experiencing my time being occupied?”

“I hate this pressure to always be perfect. Impossible.”

Backchat

“When is it ever time to stop being hard working?”

“As long as I don’t have a clear answer, I’m watching my participation in studying”

“I’ll only do the bare minimum to stay on this path I’m walking, but that’s it. The only reason for doing this is to stay in the game.”

Reaction

– anger, frustration of doing something unclear of what the consequences are, if they are consequences that harm me or not

– tiredness, of constantly being pushed to do more and more and more

– doing work only to stay in the game, doing the bare minimum, just for the marks; no more doing work for myself and enjoying myself within the work

– hesitation, doubt

fear of losing all opportunities to express myself to doing work for school/advancement only

– acting hard working instead of being hard working

– stopping doing something for myself alone, to always feeling required to equate and make sure I ensure profit/my own survival if I do this, to ensure money to survive

– from attending to what is here to being nervous of every task, no self trust in doing a task and knowing when it is done properly

emotional repulsion to anything to do with work, any participation that is connected to work

In the next post self forgiveness for each point, to first understand what I have done to myself, to untie the knots so a practical solution is realised. Unfortunately, forcing ourselves in our Minds does not work.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
This entry was posted in 7 Year Journey To Life, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Day 155: Pressure to Succeed

  1. Pingback: Day 156: Frustration To Overwhelmingness | Kasper's Journey To Life

  2. Pingback: Day 160: Authority Clash | Kasper's Journey To Life

  3. Pingback: Day 161: Please Do Not Take My Work Away! | Kasper's Journey To Life

  4. Pingback: Day 163: I Have A Choice To Stop Working | Kasper's Journey To Life

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s