Day 156: Frustration To Overwhelmingness

Continued from Day 155: Pressure to Succeed

Thought

“Why is my mother pushing me to do this, when I asked her why and she doesn’t even know?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in frustration when/as I was given either answers that made me fear not going to school, or answers justifying going to school, like “if you go to school, you will be happy/normal/satisfied”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask about going to school from a starting point of self victimization, where I believed that I was incapable of giving myself an answer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me not finding an answer I am satisfied with about going to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret my mother to be pushing me to do something, when in fact I was pushing myself to study more and more and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internally, on one hand, doubt going to school and all the practical implications, while believing that I must go to school and so continued to do the work necessary in spite of doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the observation that my time was increasingly occupied by studying information that I could not see the practical use of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my own doubts about studying, in this not seeing/realising/understanding that I am creating the dissatisfied experience within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and shortcut addressing my own doubt, by/through asking others for answers before clearing myself of all reactions within myself to/towards studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to preserve my own positive self image of being ‘good’ when/as I ignored my own doubt to instead seek affirmation of the answer that I knew was ‘right’, as going to school anyway, by/through asking others why I am going to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force onto myself the opinion that I must go to school, as a point of knowledge that is apparently immutable and indestructible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt going to school as a reaction to the fear I experienced when/as I observed that my free time was quickly being occupied by studying, to get the same mark with no real indication that I learnt anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in frustration to observing myself doing something while doubting the thing I am doing: studying useless knowledge/information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in frustration to disagreeing with constant tests and exams, while preparing myself meticulously, deliberately just to survive by staying ‘in the game’ of tests and exams, out of fear of getting kicked out and having no future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for preparing way in advance for a test, and every test, while having doubts about the system I was placed in, where I either did the tests or I am out of the game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret myself to be forced to agree with tests and exams because if I want to stay in school, stay on this mainstream path, I have to abide by the rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to survive is to go to school and follow the rules, in this not realising that who I am determines my world and the quality of work I produce.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret myself to be forcefully placed into school, where my opinion becomes worthless because even if I disagreed or wanted to pause or anything, I had to do the work to stay in school or die at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my opinion becomes worthless at school because in spite of everything I may think of, the rules do not change, and to stay in school I have to continuously repeat the process of tests and exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to/towards school as myself out of the excuse that school was getting more from me always, imagining a person knifing me in terms of changing who I am into what ‘they’ want me to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine school as a person that, through circumstances, are guaranteed the benefit/profit of my labour.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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4 Responses to Day 156: Frustration To Overwhelmingness

  1. Pingback: Day 157: Only I Have To Live With My Decisions | Kasper's Journey To Life

  2. Pingback: Day 160: Authority Clash | Kasper's Journey To Life

  3. Pingback: Day 161: Please Do Not Take My Work Away! | Kasper's Journey To Life

  4. Pingback: Day 163: I Have A Choice To Stop Working | Kasper's Journey To Life

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