Part of a series of posts:
- Day 154: Overwhelm Yourself to Control Yourself
- Day 155: Pressure to Succeed
- Day 156: Frustration To Overwhelmingness
- Day 157: Only I Have To Live With My Decisions
- Day 159: Only One Way To Survive
- Day 160: Authority Clash
- Day 161: Please Do Not Take My Work Away!
- Day 162: When I Imagine Smarter People Around Me…
I commit myself to when and as I see myself wanting to stop participating in an activity because I interpret the activity to be an uncertain investment of myself as my life, to stop and breathe. I realise that wanting to stop participating in an activity for this reason is indicating that I have not investigated the activity at all and therefore I simply require to investigate. I commit myself to thoroughly investigate the activity by/through facing my own fears and uncertainties by/through listing them out for myself, and giving myself actions to prevent fucking around with my own life.
The activity I am referring to is continuously working, doing things that are positive for my real life and not my ego alone. When I realise that I am actually doing something different daily, when it’s related to intelligence or survival in terms of “I do this to get the opportunity to earn money“, I react in overwhelmingness because I project myself into the future of “how long must I keep this work up until I can stop.” Then the positive polarity of “when I am working hard and intelligent I can rest”, in this participating in self interest and diminishing work into an excuse to be greedy. Then I switch back to negative thoughts, such as “Am I getting ‘what I deserve’ with what I am giving?”
I commit myself to when and as I see myself suspecting another taking advantage of me and seeing them as ‘evil’ as a distraction to justify to myself why I can stop doing a specific activity, to stop and breathe. I realise that I am placing very deliberate preparation within myself to chase after a want/need/desire for ‘freedom’/’happiness’/’peace’, that I superstitiously believe will happen if I “take things easier”/do less work. I commit myself to realise that to be intimate with myself in fact, I must be willing to expose myself to the motivations of my actions that I would publicly smirk at within myself.
I commit myself to stop judging others as ‘evil’ or ‘good’ and in this stop tacitly judging myself as ‘good’ or ‘evil’. I commit myself to stop avoiding work by/through accusing others for “being evil“, to instead have enough compassion to face my own insecurities and fears that are triggered when wanting/needing/desiring to stop doing something by writing self forgiveness statements with corresponding self commitment statements and most importantly, test my own words and re-script myself until I am living the self corrective actions.