Writing what has already happened to WHY we live in an environment and feel changed and see change our way of expressing/experiencing ourselves. To me this is an important topic because if I am changed by my environment, this means coercion and manipulation of who I am is made possible. And if I can direct myself to not be changed by my environment alone, that I only change after I investigated my environment and what would be BEST FOR ALL, that would = brainwashing prevention.
“What if something is brainwashing me, through placing many routines onto me, as I am experiencing my time being occupied?”
This was a thought that I had one moment during grade school. The school I went to before grade school rarely had any tests. I did not form the prejudices towards my own work, from a certain perspective. The fears were more in the background due to the school environment and although I was daunted by the thought of learning ‘more’, more complex topics having thoughts like “I’m too young to do THAT, I’m not smart enough, I just got here on Earth”, we were vastly more encouraged than discouraged.
Before grade school, I was fine with placing more effort to certain tasks. During grade school I received much more bashing: I was faced with manifested consequences. A day at grade school would make my day wholly predictable: wake up, go to school, follow the class schedule, come back from school, have two hours of TV and snack, dinner, an hour of homework, bed. I got extremely bored because most of the material was one step, two step processes and I worked through the curriculum at a snail’s pace. I didn’t dare go ahead of the curriculum either because of a feeling the same as going ahead of your parents. It was like going through a tub of butter to get an object, and with the feeling of the butter around my arm, I lose patience and give up retrieving the object: I can buy a new one. I had no self honesty and therefore gave up and gave into the feeling eventually because no matter how I moved or thought, the feeling would not stop and I eventually stopped questioning it.
The environment I was in was not going to go away just because of me: it was absolute that I was going wherever my parents decided, and I feared being kicked out of school so much that I never dared stop memorizing the information. I began to think in terms of do or die at grade school: if I didn’t take the tests, the way it is taken, when, how often, I would be kicked out. From doing the work alone, my attention quickly was consumed by an obsession of survival: what does my world want me to do to be allowed to survive? Doing the work to “physical perfection” – from the perspective of how it should be, function, give – was overriden by a continuous fear of survival.
Before grade school, everything I did at school was never given negative feedback. At grade school, many rules to follow. Consequences notably more severe. And through money, I was stuck in a forced marriage with this grade school environment through tacit physical manifested consequences. I wouldn’t mind but I was literally forced to wake up daily to quietly enter the same environment five days a week, from morning to evening, with virtually no time off. Following the Canadian holidays for schools, plus weekends, I received 73 days of holidays for 365 days of being in school, to be influenced by everything at school. And throughout grade school, my parents would laugh at how they learnt NOTHING at school, meanwhile I am placed at school.
Back to the thought in quotations, I was the only one that had to walk or suffer through hours of school each day, systematically with periods of rest. As if the periods of rest were to raise my hopes to bash at them again with 5 days of the same thing. Being existentially tied to experience reality, I was being subject to a systematic bashing to make me stop asking questions.
So routine was BIG. My routine equaled what I had to physically enjoy or endure within 24 hours, and physical time is constant: doesn’t move faster because I want it to. And only after a few months at grade school, my experience of myself changed. I became more and more tired after school. I eventually reached a point where the tiredness was unpleasant enough that I wanted to stop being tired, but my environment literally could not be changed: it is physical reality, with physical manifested consequences. Then from walking I was running to catch up with the school material, which caused more stress and strain on myself so more tired.
I will continue in the next post.