Day 198: Trusting Routine To Survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that for my routine to be viable according to my interpretation in my memories, I must disregard my own common sense to base the foundation of my routine only on other’s standards and ignoring my own (because others decide my fate).

I commit myself to when/as I see myself believing that I must compromise myself completely to have a routine that I judge as ‘survival-worthy’, to stop and breathe. I realise that the urge to ignore my common sense when working on my routine is a habit that I programmed into myself through traumatic memories of doing something but unexpectedly being punished and where the punishment targeted me. I commit myself to work with my routine in specific terms of what am I actually doing and what are the actual results, what are the results that I require to produce through mental farming, do I measure myself through writing. So I commit myself to stop defining a routine as a feeling inside my head, when a real routine is one that I do the hard work and be my own labourer by existential decree, by the nature of self responsibility and my decision to take back what I have avoided (myself), to engineer myself into a being that do not require me resorting to violence to survive, and understand that all research is to prevent the paranoia of survival.

I commit myself to when/as I see myself believing that I become trustworthy, and maybe therefore trustworthy to others, through benefiting another and ignoring my own benefits as proof of trust, to stop and breathe. I realise that I am manipulating myself from the ‘positive’ outcome of self interest to the ‘negative’ outcomes of self interest, so trust does not exist but because trust has been connected with survival in my Mind, it becomes like a new toy that I can’t wait to possess and call it my own and unfortunately I created many religious beliefs about what I need to do to establish trust with another person in real life, as I cannot control another person to trust me in real life as that is missing the entire point of trust. I commit myself to be alert of my own feelings about trust, particularly when the issue of trust is triggered as words/emotions/feelings in my head, to instead accept that I cannot walk until I crawl; I cannot be trustworthy to anyone until I prove to myself that I can trust myself, and the first proving ground is in my work so I commit myself to practice discipline and self trust by/through the attention to detail and specificity that I give to myself that is already part of reality.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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