Day 217: The Psychological Impact Of Perfection

Yesterday I did not post because of postponing writing until too early in the morning.

Perfection and work. For the sake of perfection as my survival, work became a constant continuous race against others with no choice but to participate. Work was no longer something that I did according to what I was interested in, nor was it a moment to be more intimate with myself or my world: the focus shifted from the actual substance of the work to the result, efficiency, is this good enough compared to other’s work. From ‘who I am’ in the work to the work itself, how can I exploit the work to get more results (cutting corners, omitting parts, etc.) and work was the pursuit of happiness/security/peace. Wanting to be more through doing more work, better work.

The ‘problem’ was that I was alone in finding out how to do better. And of course I hit a brick wall eventually where I was not progressing as quick as I expected myself to, by this time obsessively comparing my performance with others: how could you not when every single week was a test. This wasn’t the first time I was tested though, I noticed very early on that my classmates were being divided with tests but chose to ignore it and not participate. The time when I went to grade school it was ‘time to be serious’ and the fear created around ‘what I need to give’ for food on the table charged me up to mentally corner myself: I believed that I had to participate because this competition was omnipresent, 24/7 around the world. While I was resting someone was building themselves up to possibly be better than me, then my position is threatened and my survival is threatened: I must work more.

From enjoying the gained expertise of others, I couldn’t enjoy other people being good at stuff. When other people were excelling, I made that a constant reminder of my position in the ‘race’, and I became extremely self conscious of my position amongst my immediate relationships in terms of being liked. The whole ‘purpose’ I programmed into the word ‘perfection’ was to survive. In this my perception of myself changed from enjoying developing my work like nurturing a plant, enjoying the nurtured plants/work of others and watching them grow, to conning others as a valid way to ‘grow’ to compete, uneasy of my position/what I have being taken away.

Working for myself to working for deadlines, performance goals, everything else but for myself: I specifically set myself aside, as doing things for myself, to doing things/working for money, for survival, to stay effective in competing because I would imagine myself dying if I were ‘one of the last’ in the competition. I would imagine enjoyment as a part of myself I would have to give up to remain viably surviving. I set the condition so that I had to be ‘perfect’ to survive, and this would be referencing the work I produce, where I was also expected to produce better work over time, with the rate of improvement highly variable. So I expected myself to produce a better Self, because it’s not just the technical work, but my world adamantly declared that I must improve at a rate my world would dictate to me, because if I went too fast I was shouted at, and also when I was going too slow. When I did not improve more with the work I was doing, but had to improve to survive and be given money, I freaked out, I developed obsession with work: how to improve my work rate, quality.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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