Yesterday I did not post because of postponing writing until too early in the morning.
Perfection and work. For the sake of perfection as my survival, work became a constant continuous race against others with no choice but to participate. Work was no longer something that I did according to what I was interested in, nor was it a moment to be more intimate with myself or my world: the focus shifted from the actual substance of the work to the result, efficiency, is this good enough compared to other’s work. From ‘who I am’ in the work to the work itself, how can I exploit the work to get more results (cutting corners, omitting parts, etc.) and work was the pursuit of happiness/security/peace. Wanting to be more through doing more work, better work.
The ‘problem’ was that I was alone in finding out how to do better. And of course I hit a brick wall eventually where I was not progressing as quick as I expected myself to, by this time obsessively comparing my performance with others: how could you not when every single week was a test. This wasn’t the first time I was tested though, I noticed very early on that my classmates were being divided with tests but chose to ignore it and not participate. The time when I went to grade school it was ‘time to be serious’ and the fear created around ‘what I need to give’ for food on the table charged me up to mentally corner myself: I believed that I had to participate because this competition was omnipresent, 24/7 around the world. While I was resting someone was building themselves up to possibly be better than me, then my position is threatened and my survival is threatened: I must work more.
From enjoying the gained expertise of others, I couldn’t enjoy other people being good at stuff. When other people were excelling, I made that a constant reminder of my position in the ‘race’, and I became extremely self conscious of my position amongst my immediate relationships in terms of being liked. The whole ‘purpose’ I programmed into the word ‘perfection’ was to survive. In this my perception of myself changed from enjoying developing my work like nurturing a plant, enjoying the nurtured plants/work of others and watching them grow, to conning others as a valid way to ‘grow’ to compete, uneasy of my position/what I have being taken away.
Working for myself to working for deadlines, performance goals, everything else but for myself: I specifically set myself aside, as doing things for myself, to doing things/working for money, for survival, to stay effective in competing because I would imagine myself dying if I were ‘one of the last’ in the competition. I would imagine enjoyment as a part of myself I would have to give up to remain viably surviving. I set the condition so that I had to be ‘perfect’ to survive, and this would be referencing the work I produce, where I was also expected to produce better work over time, with the rate of improvement highly variable. So I expected myself to produce a better Self, because it’s not just the technical work, but my world adamantly declared that I must improve at a rate my world would dictate to me, because if I went too fast I was shouted at, and also when I was going too slow. When I did not improve more with the work I was doing, but had to improve to survive and be given money, I freaked out, I developed obsession with work: how to improve my work rate, quality.