Writing self forgiveness statements for Day 216: Survival, Perfection, Ambition, to open up the writing further to investigate my relationship to perfection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pressure myself to survive and interpret surviving according to joining the chase for the perfect set of skills, traits, ideas, knowledge/information to trade for money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define perfection according to reaching something unattainable, yet I must attain or else I will die.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that because perfection is unattainable I must always ‘push my own limits’, be ‘unstable’/’unsatisfied’ with myself, and be willing to ‘do everything it takes’ to possess perfection, which in my Mind is required to survive. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I must pursue perfection because perfection is required to survive, out of the excuse/justification that if I do not strive to be perfect in thoughts, words, and deeds – traits, skills, services, producing products – I will be out-levelled by others that are competing to eventually ‘slip back’ to the bottom of the pile and because I already believed that people do not care if I lose my job as access to money, I would be left to starve and they would justify why I have to starve – not being ‘good enough’ at my job because I did not compete.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I must compete through chasing for perfection, achieve perfection ‘faster than’ others so that I remain one of the top few minority, or else others will achieve perfection and then I will be robbed of the benefits I do have in a position even if I remain consistent in the quality of products I produce.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a feeling of dread and anxiety when/as seeing others grow, out of the excuse that the more others grow, the ‘less of an advantage and reason I have to be in the role compared to others’.