Day 226: When Self Conscious, Breathe

Today I went out for tea and to get there, I took the train.  Usually at this time I would shut off as a defence mechanism to ‘avoid’ aggravating people, but I decided to breathe.  What I found out was I was reacting to myself and projected it onto others.  I have not met any of the people I pass by, but in my Mind I was already judging myself as already doing something to aggravate them.

When I walk out of the door, I immediately ‘fit’ myself into a position I interpret is ‘mine’ in the social ladder.  Some criteria for judging myself and ‘putting myself in my place’ includes ‘intelligence’, ‘perfection’, ‘what kind of job do I have’.  So walking outside was exposing myself to others judging me, in this judging myself through other’s words/behaviours.  Other’s words/behaviours were triggers, but in my Mind I was victimizing myself towards them.  The excuse was that I was ‘already doing something wrong’ towards them without knowing the one point I was doing that was ‘wrong’.

The judgment I was placing onto myself was ‘I am unworthy’ of being in the presence of the people that were going about their lives.  So while in reality, I was already in the train, already on the street, I was not accepting myself as being on the street, already brushing shoulders with people I have never met before.  ‘Setting things right’ before others set things right for me.  Fearing other people’s blows as words/behaviours that I would police myself and if I felt I was doing something wrong, would ‘leash’ myself before anyone else were to do so.

When I was focusing on how relaxed/tense my body was, how I was breathing, the confusion I would put myself through just stopped because I stopped confusing myself with thoughts/emotions/feelings as memories/judgments/fears.  And within this I understood that I was cooped up in my Mind for so long, that I was not seeing the people around me physically.  The fact that I was sitting on the train, people sitting/standing on the train to get from A to B.  I was not harming anyone by sitting on the train.

Keeping on with the perfection point tomorrow.

About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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