What was immediately clear when I arrived in grade school was that I was being placed into a routine. What alarmed me was as time progressed, the demands were greater in that they required more time to be actually done. None of my questions about this ‘grade school’ answered satisfactorily, all of the demands placed on me given labour anyway in spite of their despondency; I was waiting for an answer from them, the administrators of this ‘grade school’ as system of participation – adults in general at the time – , no answers but meanwhile you do it anyway because believe/trust me, if you don’t do it FOR SURE you will be kicked out of access to money, but if you do it MAYBE you might survive, we’ll see.
Then at one point I believed a story told by my mother about these tests I am taking as ‘important’ for my survival. So I would do one test, be really happy I got 90% (in useless knowledge/information) because I felt as if I was caring for myself by doing well on these tests, not on the ‘chopping board’, but then a new test next week. Ad nauseum, memorizing material which I was also waiting for an answer for why/how this was important, doing tests. From learning things I would use daily – as a matter of the quality of how I participate in my world, with myself – to asking and waiting for an answer about ‘what do I do to survive/ensure my access to money’.
Tests was the “practical embodiment” of the ideology of competition: rated from a number of 0 to 100, you are given a ranking, and not what you learn, but what you get on the test will determine your value in the money system which is a complete lie. From what I was used to, testing was idiotic, but something idiotic I was forced to give labour and my time to because before then, I was taught subjects and trusted to use the tools given to me effectively and live it into part of my life – with testing I interpreted myself as being forced to accept a ‘new idea’ that all of that before is rendered invalid because of money, and according to what was advertised these test numbers, rankings were most important. I felt insulted and forced to not only be insulted, but agree with my beingness about how I must compete to survive through testing.
I was not satisfied with my actual entire process/labour rendered valueless, I must adhere to an opinion dictated to me – implied in the test and material I have to study – if I misread the opinion, my ranking will drop, the closer I walk the plank towards the relentless sea.
More detail tomorrow – structure of my dysfunctional relationship with tests/achievements etc. not clear yet.