Day 234: Investigating Test Taking Mentality

From doing what interested me and I clearly saw within myself the usefulness of the topic I was studying, grade school presented a different set of rules.  Uniform, which was a small detail.  A fixed curriculum, with a fixed pace that I was prescribed to work according to.  Fixed points of time where I had to prove in writing that I understood the fixed curriculum.  And from grade school, an entire fixed routine where from 9 to 5, I would go to school, then dinner, then studying, then bed.

I had one question in my head which was not answered at all when I was in grade school.  How does this entire routine, which requires from me continuous labour, continue my growth and ensure equilibrium with my environment?  In this question was an expectation that I would be regarded as an equal of sorts, where I would be able to ask questions to receive answers, be listened to when I have an objection with an explanation, that the only motivation of people around me was to prepare me for the ‘real world’.

After some time being required to give my labour and giving it, and in a way my very awareness into the whole ideology around money and my labour, I found myself in a position I didn’t like.  I felt coerced into a routine, which I interpreted as controlling my starting point of actions.  I was in this routine, and my mother suggested that this is the only way I can survive, wanting to keep my parents happy, I kept with the routine for the first time, give labour to an unknown point which seemingly, had to be unknown and could not be known until the end of the journey.

After about two months, I began to notice that the very way I participate began to change from just doing what was dictated to me.  I did not expect this and when I pondered the possibility of stopping – like when you feel pain you recoil – internally I had some “strings” that I had to ‘break’ to stop: survival was basically it.  Survival, in relation to parents, family, money and labour = parents for being born and for no other reason, being raised in a family enough resources for a relatively comfortable living environment.  Family as being part of “my first group” and what I need to do to keep being part of the group because we can only survive within a group, not alone.  Money and labour in that I believed that school was preparing me for the “real world” in spite of the immediate feedback having no support.  From three points of knowledge/information, I created a self definition that I had to keep doing the routine, I was existentially bound to repeat the same day, against any and all feedback I am receiving from my physical participation I was doing it for “something greater than me” which I alluded in the past as “the group”/”everyone else”/”cooperation”.

Also after two months, just from participating I got to know how people in grade school, representing the education system, were treating me.  From tracing backwards from my routine, I found that in common sense, every part of my routine was not coincidence.  There were people deciding that kids X age should do XYZ, and frequently I would ask parents, adults, teachers about why I should do XYZ, but basically I was ignored.  As if I did not exist, all of my feedback, comments were sideswept.  So this grade school system had great leverage because from requiring me to do a weekly test – which was a decision I could have made if I were in the position – I would be forced to do hours upon hours of studying, material that was dictated to me, that I was not interested in, that was like constant advertising and pushing for a specific ideology implanted into the way I work, participate, move.  From one decision ‘higher up’, equated to countless hours in total that I had to participate in: continuous cycle of test-study: so like paying over months for a product, I pay the same price it’s just the way I pay it is different, spread over time but you can’t miss it when your account balance/days are planned AROUND studying, thinking all the time about how to study, and the money/hours per day placed remains the same value from ME that required to be invested.


About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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