I was introduced to tests as a form of competing against others, where a world of people would be ranked and half were thrown out, my mind’s reasoning was that the minimum grade was 60% for a pass, so I assumed that 40% of the world would starve because of not passing tests which no one could explain the validity of. Even before grade school, I disagreed with the idea of taking a group of people, ranking them.
Tests were my introduction into the idea that I had no choice but to compete, whether I agreed or disagreed. Shifting my attention from what would benefit/harm the group, to me being forced to ‘chase after the prize’ which I rejected. From the words/behaviours I observed in grade school, I created an illusion to justify chasing after the prize after being frightened repeatedly, most often by my parents speaking about the world. How I saw people was redefined into a situation where I believed that I could not trust the group to support me, that out of all the things in the world only money would ‘save me’ from when the group would act irrationally. And the only way to ‘follow the path’ to money was through these tests.
I made the decision to do the tests anyway, spooked by the times when the group acted irrationally: where they could bar me from my own life just because they disliked me and don’t have to explain anything to me, they can just dislike me and that would be reason enough to withdraw their support to the extent of me, tied down unable to do anything to get what I need to survive: the group can not care about my life. Spooked by ‘when’ the group would act irrational towards me, I changed my ‘trust’ from trusting the group, the group’s integrity so to speak of being experts of when their human body/physical life is supported and responding with support, to trusting tests as a segway to money as a segway to “secure my survival in the future”.
From just doing the tests, several observations were made. The quality of material which we will be tested on is not examined, nor are we ever allowed to examine the usefulness of the material/curriculum. We must trust that this is building a basic foundation for us to handle the future, without evidence: even if it doesn’t do this, we have to do it anyway – spend the X hours a week every week for the next many years. I was extremely angry that the authority supposedly leading us to ‘become citizens of the world’ could be wrong but the outcome remains the same, the authority is allowed the benefit of my labour not confined by physical space, but by the demands that this authority also dictates: so this authority could dictate a standard that required me to give chunks of each day’s time, virtually all the time to plan and improve the efficiency of meeting such standards. Studying knowledge/information I don’t see the usefulness of for years, following a pace that I did not decide at all but was dictated to me as the curriculum – being left behind if the pace were ever faster than what I can learn – , converting my value system from ensuring actual learning to meeting goals, targets set at the whim of this authority.